Health jokes
Recently, I've found out my wife has been cheating on me for the past 3 weeks with a baker downtown in Manhattan, New York, thinking I wouldn't find out. Irony of it all, she received a yeast infection.
Yo mama so blind that when she played Fortnite, she got her vision back, got 'em!
Why is Hugh's mum so fucking fat?
Because she ate the 34 other kids she had but now only has 6,789.
If your girl smells like tilapia, don’t let her on top of ya.
Knock, knock. Who's there? An armless person. Why? They got stumped on why they contacted you.
What do you call an appetite including apples? Appletite.
Someone was walking down the street and they saw some neat...
"Diarrhea cha cha cha, Diarrheal cha cha cha!"
One day a skeleton never worked. Everyone called him lazybones.
One day, a skeleton wasn't laughing. Someone asked him why he was not laughing. It turns out he fell and broke his bone, his funny bone that is.
When that one night stand says she has AIDS but you laugh, "I choose D!"
She says...wait what?? I have all of the above! XD
Face-Timing My Girlfriend:
"Hey girl! Are you a veterinarian? Because these puppies are sick!" *shows muscle*
Why do Asians don’t wear contacts? Cause they can’t fitt.
A woman wakes up in a hospital after an accident and yells, "Doctor, Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
And the doctor says, "I know, I amputated your arms."
How do you get a hippie chick pregnant?
You cum on her feet and let the flies do the rest.
What happens when you have a kid with Tourette's and a hair trigger?
The Las Vegas shooting.
A blonde went to an HIV test. When she came back, she said, “The doctors say that I’m all positive!”
Losing weight is a piece of cake. Just don't pick it up.
Stephen Hawking had pins and needles and got told to walk it off.
I love it when cancer hits like a ton of bricks. The best part is when it kills people.
My mom said the happier a person is when sick, the sooner they get better.
So I went to the hospital, hooked up everyone's breathing masks to laughing gas.