Health jokes
Why don't nurses like giving old people baths or showers?
Because they don't want their vegetables to get soggy.
Michael Jackson goes to the doctor.
Michael Jackson: "Help, doctor, I've been shot!" Doctor: "I can't fix that, but I can change your skin color so it doesn't happen again."
Why is it cold in hospitals?
To keep the vegetables cold and fresh.
A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating."
The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!"
The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."
Why do people who get shot in the head always become therapists?
They are more open-minded.
What do alcoholics and gas prices have in common?
They both get really high.
If you drink hand sanitizer, does it only kill 99.9% of you?...........💀
My son is such a miserable brat, I bought him a brand new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
Yo mama is so fat, the doctor asked for her weight, she told her phone number.
People ask me, "Are you an organ donor?"
"Yeah, over my dead body!"
Why shouldn't you make fun of burn victims?
Because they've already been roasted!
What do you call an inexpensive circumcision? A rip-off.
Q: Do you know why God created yeast infections?
A: So women will know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt, too.
When you went to McDonald's and sat down, you were so fat, they said, "TBC."
My biology teacher told us "get out nice and sharp colored pencils." Does she mean as sharp as in the blades I use to cut myself?
What do you call a skeleton that does nothing all day?
A lazy bones!
The depressed kid walked into the counselor's office.
"I'm feeling like killing myself," he said.
"Oh no! Don't worry, sweetie, just hang in there!," the counselor responded.
Is their [there] a doctor anywhere?
My mom has a few problems & those problems is [are] that my mom has big tits, fat ass & sweet pussy that needs attention. Help anyone.
What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection?
A quarter pounder with cheese.
Yo mama so old that her breastmilk was powdered. You breastfeed like this 🌬💨.