A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, "I'm sorry, but you only have 10 left."
The patient asks him, "Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?"
The doctor calmly looks at him and says, "Nine."
I told myself I needed to stop drinking so much. But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo who talks to themself.
They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it's poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.
If certain diseases spread in water, why does Africa have them?
If you scanned my thigh, it would show up as a package of Oreos on the screen.
Do you know why there are no pharmacies and pharmacists in Africa?
Because you can't take pills on an empty stomach!
As a brother, I have to report my sister has a few new symptoms that are going around, and those symptoms are that she has big titties, a sweet pussy, and a great personality.
Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf. I haven't heard from him since.
"Did you hear about the guy who got the left side of his body amputated? He’s all right now."
"A priest, an imam, and a rabbit walk into a clinic to donate blood. The rabbit turns to the nurse and says, 'I think I'm a Type-O!'"
"What do you give a man that has everything? Penicillin."
"Did you hear about the flasher who exposed himself to two elderly ladies in Central Park? One had a stroke. The other couldn’t quite reach."
Why do some couples go to the gym together?
Because they want their relationship to work out.
Why was the leper hockey game canceled?
It was because of a face-off in the corner.
What do you call inexpensive circumcision? A rip-off.
Why are there no fat people in Japan?
Last time they had a "Fat Man," 80,000 people died.
How do you make the world’s greatest Harlem Shake?
Throw a flashbang into a room full of epileptics.
What’s the difference between a fetus and a jar of pickles?
The pickles aren’t as tasty in a jar.
I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset about it. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.
A dad tells his son, "Stop masturbating! If you do it too long, you will go blind."
The son replied, "Dad, I'm over here!"
