Health jokes
What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection?
A quarter pounder with cheese.
Yo mama so old that her breastmilk was powdered. You breastfeed like this 🌬💨.
What’s the hardest part about making vegetable soup?
To put the wheelchair in the pot.
Ralphie: They put drugs in our medication?
Me: The medication is the drugs.
What’s worse than spiders on your piano?
Crabs on your organ!
Doctor: What is your zodiac sign?
Patient: Cancer, why?
Doctor: What are the chances?
Patient: Of what?
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Tell her to slow down and use lubricant.
What does an autistic kid and a loaf of bread have in common?
They both have special needs.
My friend: How are you running so fast? You just had 10 hamburgers!
Me: It’s the 10 hamburgers that are making me run fast!
I got kicked out of the hospital.
Apparently, the sign "Stroke patients here" meant something totally different.
What's 2ft long, blue, and stiff and keeps a woman up all night?
Cot death.
Did you hear about the story of the husband who told his wife she’d look sexier with her hair back?
Apparently, that’s not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.
A young man cracked a joke about dementia to his friend on the bus. The old man sitting next to him politely asked, “Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?”
He replied, “Yes, I cancer.” Then he cracked tumor.
EMINEM: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy.
WebMD: Cancer.
Why are obese jokes so offensive?
Because fat people have enough on their plate.
Why do Blondes never suffer from headaches?
No brain, no pain.
What’s the difference between depression and your ex?
Depression fucks you harder.
What do you do when you finish a magazine in the hospital?
Reload and keep firing!
Why aren’t Make-A-Wish kids allowed to fly?
Because they rarely make it out of the terminal.
What’s the only positive thing about Freddie Mercury’s death?
The HIV test results.
Your mother is so fat that her BMI (Body Mass Index) exceeds 40, therefore classifying her as morbidly obese.
What does a nearsighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common?
Wet noses.