Health jokes
What’s green and yellow and eats at your nuts?
Gonorrhea.
Me to friend: I'm homeschooled.
Friend: If I was homeschooled, I'd kms.
Me: Oh, I already tried that.
A woman approached me in the street the other day with one of those charity collection buckets and asked me: Do you know how often people die from AIDS?
I said: Now I'm no expert, but I think it's only once.
What is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Did you hear that Joe contracted Sugondese Ligma on his trip to Suggon, and now he won’t be able to make it to Saw Con?
Them: What's on your arm?
Me: I'm training to breathe fire ;)
How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
By becoming a ventriloquist.
Home Covid Test.
1: Open a can of beer and try to smell it.
2: If you can smell the beer, drink it to see if you can taste it.
3: If you can taste it and smell it, this confirms you don't have Covid.
Last night, I did the test 15 times and all were negative. Tonight I am going to do the test again because this morning I woke up with a headache and feeling like I am coming down with something.
I am so nervous.
Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?
You may be entitled to condensation.
COVID is like fashion...
We started hearing about it in Italy...
Became popular in LA and NYC...
Florida ignored it...
And it was all made in China in the end.
My girlfriend got COVID.
This is the perfect time to propose to her. She might just say yes because of the lack of taste.
What kind of animal makes a good bottle opener?
A male Duck on Viagra.
Police officers hope you’re a criminal.
Doctors hope you get sick.
Mechanics hope you get car troubles.
But only thieves wish you prosperity.
Weird?
I went to the pharmacy the other day. I tried to buy a pack of condoms, but I pretended I didn't have enough money to mess with the cashier.
I went back into the aisles of the store, got a pack of rubber bands and plastic wrap, bought them, and walked out. I loved the look on the cashier's face when they saw my decision.
Obesity kills thousands of times more Americans than shooting does, which teaches us an important lesson:
Shooters do poorly given the size of their targets.
When a pregnant lady gives birth, it looks like she is having an erection.
Only if Africans knew about condoms, so many mosquitoes wouldn't die of AIDS.
On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.
Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:
"Do you know what arthritis is?"
The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:
"It's a disease caused by sinful and unruly life: excess, consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly lost women, prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges, and other things I dare not say."
The drunk widened his eyes, shut up, and continued reading the newspaper.
A little later the priest, thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk, tried to soften:
"How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis! It says here in the paper that the Pope has it."
Why don't nurses like giving old people baths or showers?
Because they don't want their vegetables to get soggy.
Michael Jackson goes to the doctor.
Michael Jackson: "Help, doctor, I've been shot!" Doctor: "I can't fix that, but I can change your skin color so it doesn't happen again."