Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf. I haven't heard from him since.
"What do you give a man that has everything? Penicillin."
"Did you hear about the flasher who exposed himself to two elderly ladies in Central Park? One had a stroke. The other couldn’t quite reach."
Why do some couples go to the gym together?
Because they want their relationship to work out.
How do you make the world’s greatest Harlem Shake?
Throw a flashbang into a room full of epileptics.
What’s the difference between a fetus and a jar of pickles?
The pickles aren’t as tasty in a jar.
I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset about it. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.
A dad tells his son, "Stop masturbating! If you do it too long, you will go blind."
The son replied, "Dad, I'm over here!"
Not a joke but there's nowhere else to post this, (mainly this post is for the broke people without a gym). Did you know that the body can't tell if you're using weights? So lifting weights are optional.
Some beginner workouts without weights for like really weak people:
1. Sit-ups 10 reps 2. Push-ups 20 per reps 3. Squats 10 per reps 4. Crunches 10 per reps
You know the stupid trend where people say it’s ok to be overly obese? Healthy even? That you should take pride in it? Which idiots started that movement?
Well. We know one thing for sure. They were obviously members of a wider community.
What kind of jokes doesn’t work out?
Fat people jokes.
"Yo mama so skinny when she swallowed a meatball, everyone thought she was pregnant again."
What should you do to prevent dry skin? Use a towel.
What do you give the dentist of the year? A little plaque.
Why did the computer catch cold?
It left a window open.
Did you hear about the guy who drank invisible ink? He's at the hospital waiting to be seen.
Did you hear about the roofer who went to the doctor? He had shingles.
What is the easiest way to get into a busy hospital? Try to commit suicide.
(YES I KNOW I SPELLED SCUCIDE WRONG)
How do you know if you’ve walked into a sex addicts' counselling session?
The psychologist will thank you for coming.
Why do men find it so difficult to solve puzzles after taking Viagra?
Because they just keep getting harder and harder!
