Health jokes
Obesity kills thousands of times more Americans than shooting does, which teaches us an important lesson:
Shooters do poorly given the size of their targets.
When a pregnant lady gives birth, it looks like she is having an erection.
Only if Africans knew about condoms, so many mosquitoes wouldn't die of AIDS.
On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.
Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:
"Do you know what arthritis is?"
The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:
"It's a disease caused by sinful and unruly life: excess, consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly lost women, prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges, and other things I dare not say."
The drunk widened his eyes, shut up, and continued reading the newspaper.
A little later the priest, thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk, tried to soften:
"How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis! It says here in the paper that the Pope has it."
Why don't nurses like giving old people baths or showers?
Because they don't want their vegetables to get soggy.
Michael Jackson goes to the doctor.
Michael Jackson: "Help, doctor, I've been shot!" Doctor: "I can't fix that, but I can change your skin color so it doesn't happen again."
Why is it cold in hospitals?
To keep the vegetables cold and fresh.
A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating."
The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!"
The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."
Why do people who get shot in the head always become therapists?
They are more open-minded.
What do alcoholics and gas prices have in common?
They both get really high.
If you drink hand sanitizer, does it only kill 99.9% of you?...........💀
My son is such a miserable brat, I bought him a brand new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
Yo mama is so fat, the doctor asked for her weight, she told her phone number.
People ask me, "Are you an organ donor?"
"Yeah, over my dead body!"
Why shouldn't you make fun of burn victims?
Because they've already been roasted!
What do you call an inexpensive circumcision? A rip-off.
Q: Do you know why God created yeast infections?
A: So women will know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt, too.
When you went to McDonald's and sat down, you were so fat, they said, "TBC."
My biology teacher told us "get out nice and sharp colored pencils." Does she mean as sharp as in the blades I use to cut myself?
What do you call a skeleton that does nothing all day?
A lazy bones!