What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he's hooked up to? The computer runs.
What did the dinosaur eat when the dentist fixed his tooth?
The dentist!
Knock, knock.
"Who's there?"
"Ash."
"Ash who?"
"Bless you!"
Why did the math book go to the psychologist?
It had too many problems.
Why did the library book go to the doctor?
It needed to be checked out.
What's the difference between Bird flu and swine flu?
For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? -- You make a seizure salad.
Why are colds such bad robbers?
Because they're so easy to catch.
Where can you find some of the world's largest vegetables? -- In an American nursing home.
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? -- The wheelchair.
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer... than the men who mention it.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
9 out of 10 doctors recommend for children to drink water instead of soda. That 1 doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.
Yo mama so fat, her blood type is mayonnaise.
Yo mama is so unfamiliar with the gym, she calls it James.
How do you get chewing gum out of your hair?
Cancer.
"I'm sorry," the doctor says, "you have a rare and very contagious disease. We must quarantine you, and you'll only be fed cheese and bologna."
"Will that cure me?" the patient asks.
"Well, no," the doctor replies, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."
He: "Do you smoke after sex?"
She: "I don't know. I've never looked."
How do you tell if a loaf of bread has Down Syndrome?
It has an extra crumb-osome.
