Health jokes
I saw a sign the other day that said "Maximum penalty for smoking is £1,000."
But that's not right. Surely the maximum penalty for smoking is Death.
Why did the orange go blind? Because he was low on vitamin C.
Why did the doctor check out Earth?
He had a tummy quake.
A man once sued smart water for not making him smart. Then a woman replied, “Okay cool, now I’m going to go sue Thin Mints for not making me thin.”
I invited my friend with a vasectomy to a party.
Unfortunately, he couldn't come.
Why did the monkey take his banana to the doctor?
Because it wasn’t peeling good.
Why did the lemon 🍋 go to the doctor 👩⚕️?
Because he had a sour stomach.
Where do cows get their medicine?
At the farmacy.
What time is it when you cannot walk anymore? Time to get a wheelchair 🦽
Someone walked into a cancer ward and asked for a skin fade.
Do this on a calculator.
There was this girl who was (13) but she wanted to be (84) but she was (45) but the doctor said (0). He said take these tablets (2x) a day, but she took them (4x) a day, and she ended up boobless.
A lady sees a doctor about a tummy ache. After her check up, the Doctor said, “Looks like you’ll be needing nappies in about 9 months time.”
The lady asks, “Am I pregnant?” To which the Doctor replied, “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
Question: What’s bald and is in a straight line?
Answer: The cancer ward. 😵😂😂
What do you give a sick bird?
Tweet-ment!
What's the difference between acne and a priest?
Acne waits until you're a teen to cum on your face.
What’s red and bad for your dental health? A brick.
What’s invisible and bad for you to breathe? Mustard gas.
What’s green and bad for you to drink? Radioactive waste.
Why did the OREO go to the dentist?
Because he needed a filling. 😂
A man in a wheelchair and his friend were walking down the street.
Man in Wheelchair: *falls out of wheelchair*
Friend: Are you okay?
Man in Wheelchair: I can't feel my legs!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Atch.
Atch who?
Sorry you are sneezing. Have you got a cold?
How did the tree get sick?
It got tinsel-itis.