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Tired kid with asthma: "It's hard to breathe."

Gym Teacher: "That's alright."

Other Kid: "Hush!"

Patient to doctor: "Will I be ok, Doc?"

Doctor: "I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus now."

Patient: "I don't do that astrology stuff."

Doctor: "Nor me. My thermometer just broke."

Why do you have to wipe yourself with toilet paper? Because bugs can crawl, eat your poop, and drink your pee!

Jim's car is swerving all over the road, so a cop pulls him over. "Step out of the car," says the cop. "I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test." "I can't," Jim responds. "You see, I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack." "Alright," says the cop, "then you're going to have to take a blood test." "Can't do that either," Jim responds. "I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death." "Ok," the cop answers, "then I will need a urine sample." "Sorry," says Jim, "I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low." "Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me." "Can't do that either," responds Jim. "Why not?" demanded the exasperated cop. "Well, because I'm drunk!"

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    • What happens when premenstrual Raggedy Ann gets with the Pillsbury Dough Boy?

    A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

    I got so bad about cutting myself every time I went to the bathroom, I wanted to break my jacket zipper off and use that!

    What do you get when you cross an atheist an insomniac?

    Someone who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.

    I'm going to open a wellness center for ASD kids to be able to express themselves through music and painting. I will call it Artism!

  • 0

    • Two men were on a hike through a forest when one of the hikers got bit on his ass by a snake.

    The other hiker ran to the village 2 miles away and explained to a doctor there what had happened. The doctor told him to cut a cross with a knife where he had been bitten and suck out the venom, so he ran back to the first hiker who asked him, "Have you got the cure?"

    Hiker number two just said, "Nah mate, you're dead."