My grandad broke his legs.
To cheer him up, I bought him a Walkman.
Health Jokes
Jim's car is swerving all over the road, so a cop pulls him over. "Step out of the car," says the cop. "I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test." "I can't," Jim responds. "You see, I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack." "Alright," says the cop, "then you're going to have to take a blood test." "Can't do that either," Jim responds. "I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death." "Ok," the cop answers, "then I will need a urine sample." "Sorry," says Jim, "I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low." "Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me." "Can't do that either," responds Jim. "Why not?" demanded the exasperated cop. "Well, because I'm drunk!"
What happens when premenstrual Raggedy Ann gets with the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
I got so bad about cutting myself every time I went to the bathroom, I wanted to break my jacket zipper off and use that!
What do you get when you cross an atheist an insomniac?
Someone who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.
Did you hear about the nurse who couldn’t swim?
She ended up under the doc[tor].
I'm going to open a wellness center for ASD kids to be able to express themselves through music and painting. I will call it Artism!
Two men were on a hike through a forest when one of the hikers got bit on his ass by a snake.
The other hiker ran to the village 2 miles away and explained to a doctor there what had happened. The doctor told him to cut a cross with a knife where he had been bitten and suck out the venom, so he ran back to the first hiker who asked him, "Have you got the cure?"
Hiker number two just said, "Nah mate, you're dead."
How do you make epileptic kids dance?
Throw a flash bang in their room.
What did the butt say to the other butt? "I got big fat apples for butt checks!"
I have had an obsession with soap. Don’t worry, I am all clean now!
What do you get if you do not eat? Dry.
What do you get if you eat sugar?
High.
My friend died by a truck, why can't I get run over?
Because all I do is pound it, man. I would put you on my "600 Pound Life" if you didn't weigh 1,000.
Because all I do is pound it, man, I would put you on my 600 lb life if you didn't weigh a thousand.
I wish my dog was depressed so she can cut her own nails.
Dark humor is like the plague; everyone was supposed to get it.
What part of a vegetable is the hardest to eat?
The wheelchair.
Did you hear about the dyslexic man who walked into a bra?
