What are all grandmas infected with? Defiantly not a parasite!
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?
Because he lost his filling.
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"
"Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."
I saw a disabled person in the super market. They were at the vegetable aisle.
A friend of mine chews gum, lays back to yawn, then chokes on the gum. Then I said, "God, what, you choking on dick?"
Roses are red, Violets are blue, Everything is black, I can't see, can you?
Your mama so ugly, when the baby came out of her, the baby didn't cry. The baby said, "What the hell is this shit?" and walked out of the hospital.
A truck carrying Vicks VapoRub overturned on the highway. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours straight.
What do you call an ear that's dead? Deaf. Hahaha! Oh wait...
What do an acting role and playing sports have in common?
If you break a leg, you get cast.
What's the funniest thing about being ringside at a UFC fight?
When you look around and all of the spectators are wearing white gowns and fuzzy socks, and you realize you aren't at a UFC event, you're watching your fellow patients fight to the death at a psychiatric facility.
My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records.
He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me.
A stone’s throw away, in fact.
Q: You have problems, I think your disease is BOOFA.
Q: What boofa?
A: Boofa deez nuts in yo mouth!
How do you start a dance party?
Go into the PTSD ward of an insane asylum and set off fireworks and watch the magic unfold.
How can you tell if a gay guy has a high sperm count?
Chew when you swallow!
Q: Why do Skeletons hate the cold?
A: It sends chills up their spine.
What's the difference between MetaCareForAll and the resurrection of our lord and savior Jesus Christ?
One of them is an unrealistic fantasy that can never come true because it wouldn't work. The other one is the resurrection our lord and savior Jesus Christ.
Did you hear about the dyslexic cop? He jumped off his horse and blew his whistle!
A pregnant woman enters the hospital with her concerned husband. As she goes into labor, a group of doctors asked him if he would like to try a device that transfers your spouse's pain to the father's nervous system.
He agrees and the doctors turn the dial on the device to 10%. Strangely, the man felt little pain. They continued to adjust the dial until it stopped at 100%, yet the man felt nothing. Later on, the wife had delivered the baby and the pair left the hospital with a healthy baby only to find the milkman laying on their stairs with a puddle of blood around his head, shaking uncontrollably.
If two people who have the clap sleep together, did they make an applause?
