Health jokes
You are so fat you tried to eat the word "edible."
Sometimes I wish I could use my school scissors on my heart.
But apparently there is something in your heart, so I already have scissors in my heart.
My wife of 60 years told me, "Let's go upstairs and make love."
I just sighed and said, "Choose one, I can't do both."
Sometimes I wish I could use my school scissors on my heart.
Shorts go up, pants go down. Body to body, skin to skin. When it's sniff, stick it in. It goes in dry and comes out wet, And the longer it's in, the stronger it gets. It comes out dripping and starts to sag.
It's not what you think it is. It's a Lipton tea bag.
Get your mind together!
My nan broke her toe on a brick today. Last time she broke her toe because she kicked her car tire. Does that now mean I have to tow her back to the doctors?
My grandfather told me I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
I was stark nude. Hehe, I was. I truly and sincerely was.
The nurses giggled and said, "Joseph, why the hell is your wiener so loving?"
My penis purred and stroked their hands. I laughed and said, "I do not know."
Why didn't the teddy bear go to the gym?
Because he didn't want to get ripped.
Why didn't the teddy bear want to go to the gym?
Because he didn't want to get ripped.
What does an apple and suicidal person have in common?
They're both hanging from a tree.
What is the difference between anal and oral sex?
Oral sex makes your whole day. Anal sex makes your hole weak.
When someone calls you, say "Welcome to Joe's Pizza Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce."
What do you give a pig when it has a rash?
Oinkment.
Yo mama so fat, when she ate one cheeseburger, she pooped it out immediately because her butt was too big.
What is Stephen Hawking's best side?
The left.
Joe's pizzeria and abortion clinic.
Yesterday's loss is today's sauce.
Welcome to Antonio’s pizza and abortion, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce!
I donated to the LGBTQ community. Hopefully now they can find a cure.
Fat people: Do I look beautiful when I eat a pack of chicken?
Me: Yes, you look like a bunch of boulders crashing into each other.
Fat: Dang...
Me: Shut up, Jon Brower Minnoch.