Hand jokes

The other day my girlfriend asked me to hand her the red lipstick, so I handed her the dog.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile. "May I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

The man replies, "Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

Why couldn't the T-rex clap his hands?

Because he's dead.

At school in a classroom, the teacher asked the kid, “If you have one dollar and your parents give you five dollars, how much do you have?” Everyone raised their hand except one little girl.

When you are sitting outside at school and this boy comes up to you with a rock in his hand and says, "Do you know where Mrs. Stewart is at?"

The fact I couldn't hear the announcements at my school because the boys in my advisory are clapping with no hands should be a joke just in itself. They were making sexual faces as well, oh, and don't forget the moaning they do.

Did you know you don't actually wash your hands?

They wash each other while you stand there looking at them like a creep.

Person with no arms: Even though I have no arms, I can do anything you guys can.

Me: If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. 👏👏 If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. 👏👏

Person with no arms: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

How did Helen Keller drive?

One hand on the wheel, one hand on the road.

Why do emo kids hate high fives?

They’re always left hanging.

What is a Jamaican's idea of a balanced diet?

A joint in each hand.

God needed an extra two hands to make your fat ass of a mother.

What has 2 or 3 hands and is always right twice a day when it is broken?

A clock.

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?

His hand caught on fire.

Why is hand holding a couple thing? Because they touch each other's genitals anyway.

Mary had a great big ram, his fleece was white as snow, when on hands and knees our Mary went, his wad was sure to blow.

Month by month her belly grew, increasing in its girth, and when five months had flown by, our Mary did give birth.

And Mary had a little lamb, a little lamb, a little lamb...

You. Me. Gas station. What are we getting for dinner? Sushi of course. Uh oh! There was a roofie in our gas station sushi. We black out and wake up in a sewer surrounded by fish.

Horny fish. You know what that means. Fish orgy. The stench draws in a bear. What do we do? We're gonna fight it. Bear fight. Bare handed. Bare, naked? Oh, yes please. We befriend the bear after we beat it in a brawl and ride it into a Chuck E. Cheese. Dance Dance Revolution. Revolution? Overthrow the government? Uh, I think so. Next thing you know, I'm reincarnated as Jesus Christ. Then I turn into a jet, fly into the sun, black out again, wake up, do a bump, white out, which I didn't even know you could do. Then I smoked a joint, greened out. Then I turn into the sun. Uh oh! Looks like the meth is kicking in. aklfhaofhasfahfakh AAAAAAAAA afahfioahflkf AAAAA

So Fred accidentally cut off John's ear with his spade.

John and Fred were digging a ditch when Fred made a careless swipe with his spade and cut off John's ear.

"Help me find it in all this mud," said John. "If we find it, they can sew it back on."

After a couple of minutes, Fred triumphantly shouted, "Here it is," handing the ear to John.

"That's not it," said John, throwing the ear back into the muddy ditch. "Mine had a pencil behind it!"

What's strong enough for a man but made for a woman?

The back of my hand.

Yo mama is so nasty, she buys sex toys at the second-hand shop.