"Water exists."
Airport security: "What the fuck did you just say?"
I'd love to move to a country ruled by Scott Stapp of Creed. Not only is it a place with golden streets, but it also welcomes people of all kinds with arms wide open.
Q: How do you know when someone is an opposition leader to Putin?
A: When they are falling from their balcony.
Q: How do you know when Putin is lying?
A: His lips move.
When does a Pentagon have 4 sides? When it's intercepted by a plane.
I'm gonna blow out your lungs faster than Joe Biden thinks is possible with a 9mm.
Why does Britain suck at chess?
They lost their queen.
JFK tried meditating. He told everyone he is very open-minded.
Reviews for the Chinese flag are in!
5 stars!
Where did George go?
Washington, D.C.
If you mixed the Iraq wheat scandal with the basics card paying other people's dole to your wife and tumble dried it in a royal commission that made your priestly mates look bad, what would you get?
Tony Abbott's career.
Being unemployed is like watching our president fall over himself on the stairs.
There’s no hope.
How many CIA agents does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
They don't need lightbulbs--they glow in the dark.
What is the difference between a Libertarian and a dumb polack?
Not much difference.
Long live the quee—Oh wait...
If you think of a president as your king, then the USA got checkmated on November 22nd, 1963.
Due to her death, you can no longer get a letter from the Queen when you turn 100.
Instead, you now receive a text from Prince Andrew when you turn 14.
If Trump pooped in a toilet, the toilet would die.
Three men are on a bench in Soviet Russia talking shit about Stalin. One of the men all of a sudden pulls out a KGB badge and says, "You two are coming with me for treason." One of the other men also pulls out a badge and says, "Not me." The third man pulls out a badge and says, "Wow? There's a lot of agents here."
You. Me. Gas station. What are we getting for dinner? Sushi of course. Uh oh! There was a roofie in our gas station sushi. We black out and wake up in a sewer surrounded by fish.
Horny fish. You know what that means. Fish orgy. The stench draws in a bear. What do we do? We're gonna fight it. Bear fight. Bare handed. Bare, naked? Oh, yes please. We befriend the bear after we beat it in a brawl and ride it into a Chuck E. Cheese. Dance Dance Revolution. Revolution? Overthrow the government? Uh, I think so. Next thing you know, I'm reincarnated as Jesus Christ. Then I turn into a jet, fly into the sun, black out again, wake up, do a bump, white out, which I didn't even know you could do. Then I smoked a joint, greened out. Then I turn into the sun. Uh oh! Looks like the meth is kicking in. aklfhaofhasfahfakh AAAAAAAAA afahfioahflkf AAAAA
