Government jokes
What does Matthew McConaughey say at the Republican convention...
We're gonna take back what is ours, alt right, alt right, alt right, hee heeeee...
What do you call the longest reigning monarch?
The queen? No, she dead.
Why is Donald Duck the president? Because Donald Trump has a duck.
Why do they call it America when literally nothing is free?
What do you call a country with nukes?
Abomination.
If the red house is on the left, and the blue house on the right, where is the white house?
In Washington D.C.
He only won the election because of rigging.
82 million votes my ass.
Ask me for proof.
What's Trump's favorite instrument?
A TRUMPet!!!
Somebody told me to go to hell, so I walked up to Donald Trump.
Due to her death, you can no longer get a letter from the Queen when you turn 100.
Instead, you now receive a text from Prince Andrew when you turn 14.
How many CIA agents does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
They don't need lightbulbs--they glow in the dark.
Being unemployed is like watching our president fall over himself on the stairs.
There’s no hope.
If you mixed the Iraq wheat scandal with the basics card paying other people's dole to your wife and tumble dried it in a royal commission that made your priestly mates look bad, what would you get?
Tony Abbott's career.
When cops say you have the right to remain silent,
You're just happy you have the right to do something.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they do not live in a swing state.
A kid asks Trump:
Kid: "Where are the confidential files?"
Trump: "There they are, bud!"
If you think of a president as your king, then the USA got checkmated on November 22nd, 1963.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half? With Caesar!
Long live the quee—Oh wait...
What is the difference between a Libertarian and a dumb polack?
Not much difference.