Good jokes

I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.

You look good with anything, but nothing works too.

I actually think Paul Walker was a good man, he did not deserve to be burned alive.

He had a change of race tho when he died.

My dad is so good at instruments, he said he loves to finger "a minor."

What did the orphan ask Santa for? A good family.

Doctor: I've got good news and bad news.

Patient: What's the good news?

Doctor: I've got you flowers.

Patient: Awww, What's the bad news?

Doctor: They're for your grave.

An obese, depressed mother is trying to tie a noose, but can't reach it, so she calls her son for help.

*A few minutes later*

son: There.

mother: Where did you learn to tie such a good noose?

son: Dad showed me before he died.

mother: DAMN HIM TO HE- *slips and the noose chokes her to death*

What's a good way to masturbate?

Get somebody to do it for you.

Suicide is just freedom, life is just full of pain... Sometimes if you're gone maybe somebody might notice. Feels like life is a maze and the only way to leave is the exit. Nobody notices your pain, your suffering, and that you try your best though everyone notices your mistakes. Life just feels like everyone hates you. Life for me is just faking smiles, I'm not sure how everyone lives such a good life.

I would say a good joke, but all the good ones Argon.

Why are the Americans good at Rubik's cubes? Because they have a long history of separating colors.

The teacher asked the class what sound does a cow make? "Mooo," said Sally. "Good job," said the teacher. "What sound does a sheep make?" "Baa," said Jack. "Good, now what sound does a pig make?" Little Johnny raised his hand really high in the sky. The teacher called on him. He said, "The pig says, 'Get on the ground and put your hands on your head, you black motherfucker.'"

Who works at IHOP? A girl with one leg.

P1: Why did the chicken cross the road?

P2: To get to the other side DUH?!?

P1: No dumbass, it's to get run over because he has depression, a chronic illness, and his father left him for a good for nothing pimp that doesn’t even give a shit about how he feels. (Kinda like me).

P2: Holy shit are u ok? *Some random eavesdropping fucker dials 911 in a hurry*

Good sex sounds like a white man walking across the street with flip-flops on.

Why does Mexico not have a good athletics team? Because anyone who can run or jump is already over the wall.

I cried when my dad was chopping onions. Onions was a good dog.

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

I can do a very good Michael Jackson impersonation. I just need a kid who can keep a secret.

What animal is good at baseball?

A bat!

I got some new jeans yesterday, until I realized they didn't fit me around the waist, so I went looking for a belt. I couldn't find one. Then I had a really good idea. I could attach a ton of watches together to make a belt! But then I just thought it was a waste of time.