Good jokes

I got some new jeans yesterday, until I realized they didn't fit me around the waist, so I went looking for a belt. I couldn't find one. Then I had a really good idea. I could attach a ton of watches together to make a belt! But then I just thought it was a waste of time.

doctor: you need to eat healthy.

me: no.

doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.

me: oh my goodness.

doctor: in a plane crash.

me: that sounds unrelated.

doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!

What’s one good thing about pedophiles?

They drive slow in school zones.

I rode to the bottle shop on my bike yesterday. I bought a whole bottle of wine and put it in the basket on the front of my bike.

Then I thought, if I fell off my bike on the way back home, it would smash and shatter. So I drank all the wine and threw away the bottle.

It was a good idea, because I fell off my bike about four times on the way back.

Me and my little brother were playing Call Of Duty. He wasn't doing very good, so I told him so. My brother said to me, "At least I don't have to camp in order to get kills." I then responded with, "I would call you cancer, but at least cancer kills."

Today in 3rd grade English, the teacher asked the kids a question, "What turns on when you take your clothes off?"

Little Elsa blushed and screamed, "You can't ask that!"

The English teacher repeats the question and Elsa screams, "I'll tell my parents on you and get you fired!"

Finally, Little Tim raises his hand, "The shower, ma'am."

The English teacher clapped her hands, "Good job, Tim, and as for you Elsa, you do not have the body for that."

Being alive is so expensive, I am not even having a good time doing it.

People say killing two birds with one stone is a good thing, but when I did it, people just looked horrified.

What do parents tell little boys to make them behave?

"Be good, or when you're asleep, Michael Jackson will get you!"

I told my mom to get rope for a project, and when she got home, I got the good old coat hanger out and hung myself up.

What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana?

Tiger Woods had a good driver.

I went to my sister's room one day. I saw a trophy, so I asked my sister how she won it. My sister said the neighbors gave it to her because she gave out the best hand jobs in the neighborhood. I guess my sister put her hands to good use.

What do a mag and a clip have in common? They are both good at school.

Why are orphans good at dodgeball?

They can dodge adoptions.

What games would deaf people not be good at?

Simon says and Musical chairs.

Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?

Her: Awww... Yes!!!

Me: Good, then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.

Why is the Titanic good at baseball? Because it sinks it.

I was thinking of a good accident joke, and I asked my sister. She said, "you."

One day a man was fixing a car, and he accidentally got brake oil in his mouth. He was about to spit it out, but then he thought, "Hmm, this tastes pretty good!" So he would keep drinking brake oil. But his friends were getting worried about him, and they were like, "Dude, this can't be healthy." But he said, "Don't worry. I can STOP anytime."

A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it.

Doctor: "I have good news and bad news."

Guy: "What's the bad news?"

Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."

Guy: "Good news?"

Doc: "You now have tic tac toe."