Grandma told me that when she passed away she wants to be a tree, and so she could live forever.
But I'm not gonna lie, it was a nice toasty fire...
At work: Hey guys, I'm gonna Arnold clock out now.
What's the difference between a white and a black fairytale? White begins with, "Once upon a time..." Black begins with, "Y'all motherf...s ain't gonna believe this sh.."
If anyone's gonna be fuckin' my sister, it's gonna be ME!
What did one canyon say to the other?
You stay here i'm gonna rise up on ahead
A guy tells his pal, "My wife is expecting. We're going to the clinic to see if it's a girl or a boy."
"Congrats, man. What are you gonna name it if it's a boy?"
"We're going with Trevor."
"Ok, what if it's a girl?"
"Then we'll have an abortion."
What does a deaf person do when they hear people scream? I don't know; it's not like they're gonna hear it anyway.
How did the skeleton know it was gonna rain?
He could feel it in his bones!
Most people say I'm a clown. Yet they don't laugh at my jokes. Most people avoid me because I'm a "clown". Yet I'm not the center of the circus. But I know I'm gonna be a clown forever. Because I can't take this damn mask off, no matter how hard I try.
Weeks later: Finally I found out why I'm being called a clown...because my smiling face is fake...
Ex-Boyfriend: You have no ass, so we're through!
Me: Stop being a dickhead, dude!! It ain't gonna make your little sausage any bigger!
"I heard a noise in the basement! I'm gonna go to my friend's house and play Minecraft with him until the noise I heard goes away."
"I heard a noise in the basement. I'm gonna go down there with a bazooka and thirty thousand rounds of pistol ammo and fifty thousand pistols."
Said no horror movie character ever.
And also GTA logic.
i was gonna tell you a great pun, but its too cheesy
Skedaddle skedoodle, I'm gonna go beat my noodle.
1273. Depression got the best of me. I'm gonna cry in my room now.
I was gonna clean my room
before I got high.
Pass around the roses, their casket full of hoses, crash it, watch it, the water! OH SHIT IT'S GONNA BLOW!
Shipmate: Captain, there’s an iceberg and we need to steer around it right now!
Captain: My momma didn’t raise no pussy. Either that iceberg is gonna move or I am.
"Muffin Man, Muffin Man, he's gonna rape you in his van."
A man is walking on a bridge and sees a lady over the railing.
Man: "Ah, suicidal eh? Are you gonna jump?" Lady: "Yep. I hate this world." Man: "Well, if you're gonna die, can we have sex before you jump?" Lady: "Hell no! You creep!" Man: "Ok, fine. I guess I'll just wait until your corpse washes onto the shore."
My question is how fat people fit in tuxedoes, honestly don’t wear those wear ur regular clothes, ur belly is just gonna pop out
