My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."
I'm not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and I'm not gonna die the same way.
I woke up this morning thinking it was gonna be a great day. But then I realized I was still alive.
What is a similarity between a pregnant 14-year-old and the fetus inside of her?
They both are thinking, "Shit! Mom is gonna kill me!"
If you're ever bored, punch an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?
My teacher said he is gonna call my dad, I can't wait to meet him! 🥰🥰🥰
What's the difference between a black & a white fairy tale? White begins, "Once upon a time..." Black begins, "Y'all mutherfuckers ain't gonna believe this shit."
I was gonna roast you about your chin, but I didn't know which one to talk about.
Dark humor jokes about orphans are funny because no parents are gonna be told.
1273. Depression got the best of me. I'm gonna cry in my room now.
Women are like the Twin Towers. After you smash them, and if some little people start jumping out, the government is gonna tax the shit outta you.
Teenager: "OMG, I’m prego, my mom's gonna kill me."
Baby: "Lmao, same"
It's April Fools' Day. I'm gonna go to the orphanage and tell kids, "Their parents are here to pick them up."
You wanna know what I want for Christmas? My dad to come back with the milk he said he was gonna get.
Last night I burned down an orphanage.
There was one survivor who said I would regret it. I said, "What are you gonna do, tell your parents?"
I have a joke about time travel, but I'm not gonna share it. You guys didn't like it.
My grandfather was there when the Titanic sank. He shouted 3 times that it was gonna sink until they finally kicked him out of the movie theater... haha
Two lesbians adopted a cat. That night, the cat ran away. Why?
Because it heard one say, "I'm gonna eat that pussy."
What's the one thing me and the New Year's ball have in common?
It's not gonna be the only thing falling 50 stories this New Year's.
So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. My first reaction was "Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!"
