God jokes

Do you want to give your life to God and be in Heaven?

God took away Stephen Hawking's privileges.

Premise 1: IF God exists, he exists.

Premise 2: If God exists, he exists.

Premise 3: IF God exists, he definitely exists.

Conclusion: Therefore he exists.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Golly.

Golly who?

Godly leave me alone!

Freddy: I'm coming for you >:)

Me: God, no, help!

*game notification pops up with very loud sound*

When God created mankind, he said, "Damn it! One is off color, the other yellowish. The last one is burnt!"

Your forehead [is] so big scientists measured it, studied it, and then finally they said: "Oh my God... your forehead is so big it's a 50 mile car ride from your eyebrows to your hair!"

This guy comes knocking on the door in hell and speaks to God. "Please let me out, it is too cold in here!"

God is all confused. "There is a big fire in there!" The guy answers, "Yes, there is, but you cannot get near it. All the bishops, cardinals, and priests are sitting around it."

What did God say when he created the first black person?

"Behold, this specimen of divine integrity!"

God, you're more toxic than white phosphorus.

Why did God create sex for marriage?

Because he wanted more people and less fun.

What's the difference between a God and my mom?

My mom exists. I mean... she did at one point! Unlike any "Gods."

The only reason communism started was because God looked at your face.

When God said, "Let there be light," He saw your mum and said, "Let there be dark."

Ohh my god, it's a dinosaur with a huge ass mothafuckin' noseeee!!!!

Orphan: I finally have a father!

God: And who is that?

Orphan: You!

God: Who the hell is you? Well, it's not me.

Orphan: :l

Why don’t babies pollinate flowers?

God chose Plan B.

You're so ugly that every time you look up in the sky, God says, "Sorry, can't help you."

God promised John that if he came in 1st, he would get an eternal life, but instead he came in 5th and got a kettle!

Texter 1: You know People treat me like a god.

Texter 2: How?

Texter 1: They ignore my existence unless they need something.