God jokes

Ohh my god, it's a dinosaur with a huge ass mothafuckin' noseeee!!!!

God said, "Let there be light." Chuck Norris said, "You have to say please first."

These jokes cheered me up from suicide. This is amazing material. God bless all of you.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, I thank God I'm not as ugly as you.

Your forehead [is] so big scientists measured it, studied it, and then finally they said: "Oh my God... your forehead is so big it's a 50 mile car ride from your eyebrows to your hair!"

A man was almost about to drown. A boat said, "Do you need help?" And he said no.

After the boat left, another boat came to the sea, and they asked if he needed help, and he said no.

And he asked God, "Why didn't you help me?"

God said, "I sent you two big boats, you dummy!"

Have you seen my uncle?

Jesus: I have.

God: Me too.

God took away Stephen Hawking's privileges.

The fool says in his brain, "There is a god."

What's the difference between a God and my mom?

My mom exists. I mean... she did at one point! Unlike any "Gods."

I KNOW IT'S MARCH, BUT I THOUGHT OF THIS!

Jingle bells, jingle bells! OH GOD, SANTA FELL!

I guess it's time for Mrs. Claus to go straight down to hell!

What did God say to the good shepherd?

Nothing.

God said the first person to kill Hitler goes to heaven.

Hitler: Kills himself.

Son: I heard mom got stung by a few bees this morning. Is she ok? Hospital?

Dad: She's ok now, no hospital.

Dad: She had to take the deep penis.

Son: Umm...... WHAT!?

Dad: I had to inject her with and EPIC PENIS.

Dad: Oh, for God's sakes.

Dad: Epi Pen.

"OH MY GOD! IT SPEAKS!"

A friend of mine chews gum, lays back to yawn, then chokes on the gum. Then I said, "God, what, you choking on dick?"

And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.”

But John came fifth, and he got a toaster.

I’m a god, and I’m here to flex on you bitches. My flight to New York on September 11th was rocky, but I lived.

Imagine dying on a plane, fr. At least try and respawn:/

And God said to John, "Come forth, and you shall be granted eternal life."

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day.

Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"

Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

"Jesus Christ almighty!" shouts Molly.

"Correct," says the teacher.

The next day the teacher asks, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"

Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack's pencil.

"Jesus Christ almighty!" she shouts.

"Correct again," says the teacher.

The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.

This time the teacher asks her, "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"

Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'm going to crack it in half!"