God Jokes

How do you know you are blessed by God?

You don’t laugh at, make light of, or enjoy the evils and suffering people are inflicting on themselves and upon each other

Ahh son of a bitch I got the truth stuck on my shoe?!?! The truth: breast feeding is like have ong sex with your baby. God damit I hate the truth!

FUCK FUCK FUCK MY CLOTHES CAUGHT THE FLAME OH MY GOD IT BURNS SO MUCH

I am a God Na, na, na, na, na, na Yeah She's got makeup by the mirror in her bedroom Thigh-high fishnets and some black boots Nose pierced with the cigarette perfume Half dead, but she still looks so cute She is a monster in disguise And she knows all the words to the trap songs Takes pic's with a cherry-red lipstick Says she only dates guys with a big..., mmm

A man was having a dream. He dreamt about a mystical creature that was commonly known as the god of toast. When the man woke up, he turned to tell his wife about the dream. When he delivers the toast god punch line, his wife shrugged as she faced the opposite direction to the man. The man turned around also and started sobbing as he realised his marriage is in shambles

Jesus told the world if he had to pick a body all over again that he would pick himself! He believes he is ( Gods gift to this earth) The best looking, the smartest, pure perfection!

Hahaha LOL Jajaj

And I Quote! " THATS WHY I PUT MYSELF NAKED ON THE CROSS IN CHURCHES TO SEE MY BODY !!!!"

GROSSEST, SCAREST, UGLIST, SLOPPY, DISRESPECTFUL, DISGUSTING, IT

If he actually ate the bullshit that came out of his mouth, He wouldn't of made up satan! He wouldn't Rape us, He wouldn't embody us! He wouldn't try to be us! USING OUF VOICES! USING OUR SPIRIT!

A 23 year old priest walks into a high school with an automatic weapon.He tells those who believe in god to stand up and leave.To the children who don't leave ,he says ,"Do not worry my children,I shall make thou 'hole-y' as well."He then proceeds to shoot all of the students left.

Bible Verse of The Day-For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. —Romans 8:15-16

Drivers License-By- watersharky Music Productions and Olivia Rodrigo- I got my driver's license last week Just like we always talked about 'Cause you were so excited for me To finally drive up to your house But today I drove through the suburbs Crying 'cause you weren't around And you're probably with that blonde girl Who always made me doubt She's so much older than me She's everything I'm insecure about Yeah, today I drove through the suburbs 'Cause how could I ever love someone else? And I know we weren't perfect but I've never felt this way for no one And I just can't imagine how you could be so okay now that I'm gone Guess you didn't mean what you wrote in that song about me 'Cause you said forever, now I drive alone past your street And all my friends are tired Of hearing how much I miss you, but I kinda feel sorry for them 'Cause they'll never know you the way that I do, yeah Today I drove through the suburbs And pictured I was driving home to you And I know we weren't perfect But I've never felt this way for no one, oh And I just can't imagine how you could be so okay, now that I'm gone I guess you didn't mean what you wrote in that song about me 'Cause you said forever, now I drive alone past your street Red lights, stop signs I still see your face in the white cars, front yards Can't drive past the places we used to go to 'Cause I still fuckin' love you, babe (ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh) Sidewalks we crossed I still hear your voice in the traffic, we're laughing Over all the noise God, I'm so blue, know we're through But I still fuckin' love you, babe (ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh) I know we weren't perfect but I've never felt this way for no one And I just can't imagine how you could be so okay, now that I'm gone 'Cause you didn't mean what you wrote in that song about me 'Cause you said forever, now I drive alone past your street Yeah, you said forever, now I drive alone past your street...

Gay Collage Joke: You- Its nighttime shouldn't we be heading to bed-Boy Roommate-Ok are u Top or Bottom? -You-Uhhhhhh-Boy Roommate- No dumby bunk beds-You-Thank God- Boy Roommate- But if u wanna we can... -You- *faints*

Conversation between a little baby and a lady👇

👱LADY=hi 💂LIT.BABY=(no reply) 👱LADY=wot is ur name 💂LIT.BABY=no reply 👱LADY=hw old at u 💂LIT.BABY=(no reply) 👱LADY=wot is ur mom's name 💂LIT.BABY=(no reply) 👱LADY=wot about ur dad 💂LIT.BABY=(no reply) 👱LADY=can u spell ur name 💂LIT.BABY=(no reply) 👱LADY= can you spell GOD 💂LIT.BABY=(spelling) G.O.D if a little baby can spell GOD,wot about you. Just spend some minutes and type "GOD" if know u will sleep and wake up tomorrow by GOD's grace,ignore if u are living by power MINE:GOD 😃

god is good god is great

Nothing is funny about the Name who died an agonizing death, was mocked, spit on, and humiliated all because were sinners and God saved us so we could be free from the punishment of sin. Jesus is sinless and perfect and loving. How dare you.

Good For You-Remake-By- watersharky Productions and Olivia Rodrigo- Well, good for you, I guess you moved on really easily You found a new girl and it only took a couple weeks Remember when you said that you wanted to give me the world? (Ah-ah-ah-ah) And good for you, I guess that you've been workin' on yourself I guess that therapist I found for you, she really helped Now you can be a better man for your brand new girl Well, good for you, you look happy and healthy, not me If you ever cared to ask Good for you, you're doin' great out there without me, baby God, I wish that I could do that I've lost my mind, I've spent the night Cryin' on the floor of my bathroom But you're so unaffected, I really don't get it But I guess good for you Well, good for you, I guess you're gettin' everything you want (ah) You bought a new car and your career's really takin' off (ah) It's like we never even happened Baby, what the fuck is up with that? (Ha) And good for you, it's like you never even met me Remember when you swore to God I was the only Person who ever got you? Well, screw that and screw you You will never have to hurt the way you know that I do Well, good for you, you look happy and healthy, not me If you ever cared to ask Good for you, you're doin' great out there without me, baby God, I wish that I could do that I've lost my mind, I've spent the night Cryin' on the floor of my bathroom But you're so unaffected, I really don't get it But I guess good for you Ah-ah-ah-ah Ah-ah-ah-ah Maybe I'm too emotional But your apathy's like a wound in salt Maybe I'm too emotional Or maybe you never cared at all Maybe I'm too emotional Your apathy is like a wound in salt Maybe I'm too emotional Or maybe you never cared at all Well, good for you, you look happy and healthy, not me If you ever cared to ask Good for you, you're doin' great out there without me, baby Like a damn sociopath I've lost my mind, I've spent the night Cryin' on the floor of my bathroom But you're so unaffected, I really don't get it But I guess good for you Well, good for you, I guess you moved on really easily

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because the chicken had 4 chicks and a cheating hen who all sucked out all his money he got from his extremely boring job, and he finally got some peace for himself and was going to the local bar, which was on the other side of the road. He walked in the door, wings sagging, feathers catching on his claws. The bartender eyes him as he sits on a bar stool. "Chuck, how ya doin'? The missus doin' good?" "Just give me the hardest stuff you got. I'm done." This caught the bartender by surprise. "Chuck, come on, don't be sayin' that. Just look to the future and you'll be fine." "What future?" Chuck replied in a huff. "My wife and chicks are so goddamn pestering sometimes, you know? But if I leave, they'll all suffer, and I don't want that either. Oh, God, Phil, I don't know what to do." "You know, you've got a good heart for a rooster your age," Phil answered. "We need that in these parts. I'm tellin' ya, there will be more than what's happenin' right now, ya know, life's got all its gears turning for ya, and there's just a bit slow right now. The gears haven't been oiled in a while, but who's the only one who can fix that?" Chuck knew the answer. "Me." Phil returned with his drink. "McClucken's Whiskey, on the house." Chuck glanced at his glass. He held it up to the light. His face reflected in an aura around it, neither looking forward to the light and not backward, either. "No thanks, Phil," Chuck sighed, "But thanks anyways." He went to get up out of his chair. Phil called as he walked out the door, "Just remember to oil the gears every now and then, eh?" Chuck's comb flapped in a cool breeze brought in by the season. A bench was nearby, staring across to the other side. And he just sat there, sat there thinking. Cars blurred to a colorfully colorless nothingness as he thought in silence. He could see an open window in his mind, full of chickens: a sassy hen, two identical sportish chick; another, older than the two, and body bristling with blue comb-dye and the latest thing he watched online fresh on his Chickstagram page; finally, the first of the bunch, shy, bookish, with a secretly courageous soul. They all looked... worried, worried for the rooster who guided them, helped them grow, supported them... and all looking out of the window back at him. A single tear welled in Chuck's eye. The chicken walked back across the road to his family, to his friends, and to the life he was content with.

Astronaut In The Ocean-By- Masked Wolf and watersharky Music Productions- Astro-naut What you know about rollin' down in the deep? When your brain goes numb, you can call that mental freeze When these people talk too much, put that shit in slow motion, yeah I feel like an astronaut in the ocean, ayy What you know about rollin' down in the deep? When your brain goes numb, you can call that mental freeze When these people talk too much, put that shit in slow motion, yeah I feel like an astronaut in the ocean She say that I'm cool (damn straight) I'm like "yeah, that's true" (that's true) I believe in G-O-D (ayy) Don't believe in T-H-O-T She keep playing me dumb (play me) I'ma play her for fun (uh-huh) Y'all don't really know my mental Lemme give you the picture like stencil Falling out, in a drought No flow, rain wasn't pouring down (pouring down) See, that pain was all around See, my mode was kinda lounged Didn't know which-which way to turn Flow was cool but I still felt burnt Energy up, you can feel my surge I'ma kill everything like this purge (ayy) Let's just get this straight for a second, I'ma work Even if I don't get paid for progression, I'ma get it (get it) Everything that I do is electric I'ma keep it in a motion, keep it moving like kinetic, ayy (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah) Put this shit in a frame, better know I don't blame Everything that I say, man I seen you deflate Let me elevate, this ain't a prank Have you walkin' on a plank, la-la-la-la-la, like Both hands together, God, let me pray (now let me pray) Uh, I've been going right, right around, call that relay (Masked Wolf) Pass the baton, back and I'm on Swimming in the pool, Kendrick Lamar, uh Want a piece of this, a piece of mine, my peace a sign Can you please read between the lines? My rhyme's inclined to break your spine They say that I'm so fine You could never match my grind Please do not, not waste my time What you know about rollin' down in the deep? When your brain goes numb, you can call that mental freeze When these people talk too much, put that shit in slow motion, yeah I feel like an astronaut in the ocean, ayy What you know about rollin' down in the deep? When your brain goes numb, you can call that mental freeze When these people talk too much, put that shit in slow motion, yeah I feel like an astronaut in the ocean

1. A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied: 
"Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!" 2. "If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up", said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?", inquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself." 3. A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"
God said, "Sure, just a second." 4. Putin is held hostage by a terrorist. A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"
Policeman: "A terrorist is holding Putin hostage in a car. He's demanding 10 million rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. So we're asking drivers for donations."
Driver: "Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average."
Policeman: "About a gallon." 5. A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." 
He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?" 6. My boss was honest with me today. He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year." 7. After a prolonged drought when the rain came, all the animals in the forest were happy except the Kangaroo. When the others asked him what the reason was for such sadness, the Kangaroo revealed that the rain meant that all its kids would now be playing inside. 8. My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing.
I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend. 9. The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires... She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!"
I responded, "Inflation." 10. During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"
He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."