Go jokes
What's the worst part about getting old?
Going to pull up the wrinkles in your socks, just to find out you're not wearing socks!
Why are orphans rude at school?
What's the school going to do? Call their parents?
They told me Avengers: Endgame was going to be 3 hours long, but honestly? I felt like it was over in a SNAP!
What's the king of all school supplies? A ruler.
What's a flower's favorite drink at the movie theater? Root Beer.
What's a cow's favorite place to go during his free time? The Moooovies.
Go Kermit, toaster bath.
Mom: Go water the plants.
Me: But it’s raining outside.
Mom: Go grab the umbrella.
Me: What???
What Kind of Hardware store can't orphans go into?
Home Depot.
When you go to your girlfriend's house but accidentally go into her dad's room and fuck him anyway.
You're going to suffer the wrath of Gru!
America: I'm going to build a wall.
Nazi: Been there.
Soviet Union: Done that.
SPOILER ALERT...
I was going to tell you a joke about Thanos, but T. S. snapped it away!
Yo mama so hairy that when she go to the hair salon they say, "No pets allowed."
You're so damn ugly that the robbers only go into your house to close the blinds.
Hey John, how are you going?
Helium, yeah good, what about you?
(Hey Liam)
Three nuns went up to Mother Teresa and said, "Mother Teresa, we would not like to be nuns anymore." Mother Teresa said, "Okay, but first you have to do something unholy." So they leave and come back three days later. The first one says, "Mother Teresa, I did something unholy. I took a little kid's bike." Mother Teresa says, "Okay, drink from the holy water and you are free to go." The second nun walks up, upset, "I did something worse than her. I slept with a married man." The last nun walks up and says, "I did something worse than all of them." Mother Teresa says, "Oh god, oh gosh, what is it?" And the third nun says, "I peed in the holy water."
What goes moo? Cow.
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Place a man in a morgue, he'll try to leave.
Place a doctor in a morgue, he'll go to work.
Place a necrophiliac in a morgue, he'll stay happy for a week.
I am never letting Elsa take care of my dog again. Last time she just let it go.
I remember my uncle's last words:
"I don't think we're going shooting today."
Mom, can I please go out and play?
... no answer.