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The greatest doctor, smartest man, young geek, and inspiring preacher are on a plane. The pilot dies of a heart attack and is confirmed by the doctor. But, there are only 3 parachutes on the plane. The doctor takes one and says,

"People need me for my excellent medicine!" and jumps out. The smart man grabs one and shouts,

"People are in need of my great knowledge!" and jumps out. There is only one more parachute on the plane. The preacher says to the geek,

"You are too young. Take the final parachute and go." The geek instead says,

"No, there are two parachutes left, the 'smart' one took my backpack."

As a child, my mother always told me she was going horse riding. My whole life changed when I found out she was under the horse.

  • 4

    • "Confucius say: Man go asy, full retard. It's an art, a weapon, and a lifestyle. Once you go full retard, there is no going back."

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

    The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

    'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has you picture on it.'

    The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.

    The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop..."

  • 1

    • Why did the child cross the road?

    To get to the church.

    Knock, knock.

    Who's there?

    The Priest... Let's go to my office, because I'm totally not a pedophile.

  • 2

    • So a woman was paranoid, so she had a dog to check to see if anything was wrong. She would always stick her hand under the bed, and if the dog licked her hand, then she was safe. One night, just before bed, she stuck her hand under the bed. She felt a lick, so she went to bed. In the middle of the night, she needed to go to the bathroom. So, she walked into the bathroom, and on the window, it said: "HUMANS CAN LICK TOO!" Then she was murdered.

  • 6

    • In communist Russia there is no discrimination. White, black, African, American, British and Asian. They all go to Gulag eventually.

  • 2

    • I was talking to a close friend that was Islamic.

    He said he was being shipped to an amazing training.

    I asked, "Where are you going?"

    He said, "Camp Bin Laden."

    I asked, "What do they do there?"

    He answered, "They got bomb training and hand to hand combat training. Plus they got arts and crafts."

    I asked, "What do you mean by arts and crafts?"

    He said, "See this towel on my head?" I nodded. "I made it out of boxer jokes."

    A preacher was selling a horse. A cowboy decided to buy the horse. The preacher told the cowboy to make the horse go, to say "Thank God" and to stop the horse, to say "Hallelujah". The cowboy then rode off into the sunset until he came upon a cliff, searching his memory he yelled "Hallelujah" and the horse stopped just before going off the cliff. Then the cowboy said "Thank God".

    So, a guy walks into a bar, and he tells the bartender, "After this last drink, I'm going to the roof to kill myself." A guy sitting next to him says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you." in which the man replies, "Oh yeah?" So, they both take their shots and go up to the roof. The guy says, "You're not gonna die, watch this!" He jumps off the roof and comes back up. The man rubs his eyes and tells him to go it again. He comes down and comes back up. The man says, "Cool, let me try!" and he jumps down only to kill himself. The guy goes back to the bar, and the bartender says, "Superman, you're an asshole."

    A man went to the doctor, and the doctor said, "What happened to you?"

    The man replied and said, "I broke my arm in two places!"

    Then the doctor replied with, "DON’T GO BACK TO THOSE TWO PLACES!!"

    Alright, my sister is ALWAYS dancing randomly all the time, and what I say is, "Go get you boyfriend, dude!"

    Men, get into the kitchen and make me a sandwich!

    Women, go chop some lumber!

    White people, get back into the cotton fields!

    A man from Brooklyn is arguing with an Englishman. He says things like,

    "It's an elevator, not a lift!"

    and

    "It's a bathroom! Not 'washroom'!"

    He keeps going on until the Englishman says,

    "Hey wanker, it's a school, not a god damned shooting range."