If life gives you melons, you're probably dyslexic.
I wanted some breakfast, so I grabbed some Life cereal.
I poured it, but lemons came out. So I said, "Well, when life gives you lemons!"
You know chords, right? Well, you know what I love to do? To play with A-minor. You know, feel your fingers on A-minor. Gives you a sense of power, to just F A-minor.
But that's not my favorite thing to fiddle with. That would be the D of minors. It's just solid, you know. If you're clever you can have the D of minors into the C of minors. Or, though a bit tricky, the D of minors into the B of minors.
And at this point you've gotten the point and if I want to continue it would be a bit of a stretch.
People with Down syndrome have a specific skill only they have; they can give a blow job and talk to you while sounding exactly the same.
What's the definition of trust?
Two cannibals giving each other blowjobs.
What's the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief?
The amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" The professional thief says, "Sign here please."
I was asked to give a bicycle joke, but I couldn't...
I was two tired.
Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish, and he'll become a prince.
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
How do you make an octopus laugh?
You give it ten tickles.
Give a man a gun, and he will rob a bank.
Give a man a bank, and he will rob everyone.
A Roman walks into a bar.
He holds up two fingers and says, "Give me five beers."
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow plow?
Give her a shovel.
