Give jokes

If you have a daughter, give her the same name as the mum; that way when you call for a beer, you get two beers, and when you call for sex, you get two sex...

You give some people 2.54 centimeters, and they take 1.6 kilometers.

If life gives you melons, you're probably dyslexic.

I wanted some breakfast, so I grabbed some Life cereal.

I poured it, but lemons came out. So I said, "Well, when life gives you lemons!"

You know chords, right? Well, you know what I love to do? To play with A-minor. You know, feel your fingers on A-minor. Gives you a sense of power, to just F A-minor.

But that's not my favorite thing to fiddle with. That would be the D of minors. It's just solid, you know. If you're clever you can have the D of minors into the C of minors. Or, though a bit tricky, the D of minors into the B of minors.

And at this point you've gotten the point and if I want to continue it would be a bit of a stretch.

People with Down syndrome have a specific skill only they have; they can give a blow job and talk to you while sounding exactly the same.

What's the definition of trust?

Two cannibals giving each other blowjobs.

What's the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief?

The amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" The professional thief says, "Sign here please."

I was asked to give a bicycle joke, but I couldn't...

I was two tired.

Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish, and he'll become a prince.

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"

Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

How do you make an octopus laugh?

You give it ten tickles.

Give a man a gun, and he will rob a bank.

Give a man a bank, and he will rob everyone.

A Roman walks into a bar.

He holds up two fingers and says, "Give me five beers."

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow plow?

Give her a shovel.