Girlfriend jokes

Girlfriend: You remind me of a cell phone.

Girlfriend's ex: Why?

Girlfriend: Because you're about to die.

I asked my girlfriend if we could try my rape fantasy last night. She said no. It was the best night of my life.

I will never forget my girlfriend's last words... "Get off of me! STOP!" *slurp*... Dead.

What did the boyfriend say to his girlfriend?

My friend came over to my house. He asked where my girlfriend was, and I told him she is in the garden.

He said, "That's weird, I didn't see her." I said, "You have to dig a little."

I revealed my dick to my girlfriend.

As she saw it, she said, "Nevermind, just finger me."

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Tell her to slow down and use lubricants.

My girlfriend told me her lips were dry, and she had the audacity to get mad at me for telling her to walk.

What's the difference between your new girlfriend and a tornado? At first, there is a lot of blowing, and then your house will be gone.

What’s something you can say about vacation, but not about your girlfriend?

Next time I’m bringing all my friends.

My Asian girlfriend has a weird name. As I gave her anal, she was yelling "I'm too young."

I asked my girlfriend what she wanted to eat, she said nothing. So I brought her to Africa.

My girlfriend broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

I had sex with my German girlfriend; it was kinda weird though. She kept yelling her age. I don't know why.

I was going to an expensive dinner with my friend's girlfriend because she really wanted to go, but he just got out of surgery, and he said take care of her, so I said, "Will do, bro. I’ll bring her back fuller than a topped-up water bottle."

Little Jonny just came back from quarantine with his girlfriend, Sally.

They both said they had to go to the bathroom. When they came back, Sally was coughing up a storm. The teacher said, "You need to be quarantined again."

"No," Sally said, "I was just in the bathroom choking on something that grown-ups, especially women, like." Then the teacher faints.

I had a girlfriend who was a below-the-knee amputee. We broke up because she just couldn't keep her legs closed.

My girlfriend called me a pedophile. That's a big word for a six-year-old.

I was in my car listening to my radio. Steve Winwood's song came on, "Just Roll With It, Baby." I said that must be one of Stephen Hawking's favorite songs; he sings it to his girlfriend.

I have a girlfriend with a big dick.