My girlfriend is like Toys R Us.
She does not exist.
My girlfriend broke up with me today, but it’s ok.
She said we can still be cousins.
Girlfriends are just like AK47s; they always go off on you.
My girlfriend lives a few miles away from me.
The other night, she called me at around 3 AM. She was terrified. She said that there were two armed gunmen in her apartment.
With all that adrenaline going through my system, it made it hard to go back to sleep.
TFW you're having sex with your German girlfriend and she won't stop telling you her age.
"I'm not sure why my girlfriend's father doesn't like me."
"What was your first impression on him?"
"I told him, she calls me daddy too."
What do you do after your girlfriend with two broken legs dumps you?
Take her wheelchair, she'll come crawling back.
What's the worst part of breaking up with a Japanese girl?
You have to drop the bomb twice until she finally gets it.
I will never forget my girlfriend's last words... "Get off of me! STOP!" *slurp*... Dead.
Me and my girlfriend were planning on having sex, but I said me and my little brother share a bunk bed and he’s on the bottom. She said tell him we’re making sandwiches so we came up with a plan. "Tomato" means harder and "cheese" means faster. So we were having sex and she was screaming, "Tomato, tomato, tomato, cheese, cheese, cheese," then my little brother said, "Can y’all stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over my bed."
Why did Hitler's girlfriend break up with him? He Hit-ler.
There are two siblings, a little brother and a big brother. Now, the big brother had a girlfriend, and one night they decided to go and have sex. So, the bigger brother goes to pick up his girlfriend one night and take her home. So they get to the bigger brother's house and walk into his room. Now the two siblings shared the room, and they had bunk beds. When they walked in the room, they saw the little brother asleep in the bottom bunk, so they went up to the top bunk to have sex. The big brother says, "Whenever you feel good, say 'lettuce,' and whenever you want to switch positions say 'tomato'." The girl constantly is saying "lettuce, tomato," and then the little brother wakes up. He quietly remarks, "Can you guys stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over me."
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
What's the difference between having sex with my girlfriend and a baby?
I don't have a girlfriend.
Ex-girlfriend: "I can smell fish."
Ex-boyfriend: "I can smell shit."
Ex-boyfriend: "Well, how many boys swam down there?"
Ex-girlfriend: "20!"
Fish: "It wasn't me. I don't swim around mistakes."
How many genders are there?
One, women are property.
I was in my car listening to my radio. Steve Winwood's song came on, "Just Roll With It, Baby." I said that must be one of Stephen Hawking's favorite songs; he sings it to his girlfriend.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass.
What can you tell a dog, but not your girlfriend? Come.
My father is like Houdini. When he heard his girlfriend was pregnant, he disappeared.
