Girlfriend jokes

I like my girlfriends like my children: dead.

My new girlfriend is a porn star. She would probably kill me if she found out.

Depression, I got it.

A girlfriend, don't got it.

A life, don't got it.

Help, got it.

Friends, don't got it.

Family, I got it.

Best of all, depression, I got it!!!!!!

My girlfriend said, "GIMME EIGHT INCHES AND MAKE IT HURT!"

So I pumped my dick in her 4 times and hit her in the head with a brick.

So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. My first reaction was "Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!"

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

I fucked your girl.

I like my dynamite like I like my woman: hot and ready to explode.

This guy walked into a pizzeria and ordered a water. The owner called him an idiot.

His girlfriend walked in and ordered a pineapple pizza.

The guy left her, and the owner made her leave.

What's black, anorexic, dumb, and will never get a girlfriend?

Me.

My girlfriend is like Toys R Us.

She does not exist.

My girlfriend broke up with me today, but it’s ok.

She said we can still be cousins.

Girlfriends are just like AK47s; they always go off on you.

My girlfriend lives a few miles away from me.

The other night, she called me at around 3 AM. She was terrified. She said that there were two armed gunmen in her apartment.

With all that adrenaline going through my system, it made it hard to go back to sleep.

TFW you're having sex with your German girlfriend and she won't stop telling you her age.

"I'm not sure why my girlfriend's father doesn't like me."

"What was your first impression on him?"

"I told him, she calls me daddy too."

What do you do after your girlfriend with two broken legs dumps you?

Take her wheelchair, she'll come crawling back.

What's the worst part of breaking up with a Japanese girl?

You have to drop the bomb twice until she finally gets it.

I will never forget my girlfriend's last words... "Get off of me! STOP!" *slurp*... Dead.

Me and my girlfriend were planning on having sex, but I said me and my little brother share a bunk bed and he’s on the bottom. She said tell him we’re making sandwiches so we came up with a plan. "Tomato" means harder and "cheese" means faster. So we were having sex and she was screaming, "Tomato, tomato, tomato, cheese, cheese, cheese," then my little brother said, "Can y’all stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over my bed."