Girlfriend jokes

"I'm not sure why my girlfriend's father doesn't like me."

"What was your first impression on him?"

"I told him, she calls me daddy too."

What do you do after your girlfriend with two broken legs dumps you?

Take her wheelchair, she'll come crawling back.

What's the worst part of breaking up with a Japanese girl?

You have to drop the bomb twice until she finally gets it.

I will never forget my girlfriend's last words... "Get off of me! STOP!" *slurp*... Dead.

Me and my girlfriend were planning on having sex, but I said me and my little brother share a bunk bed and he’s on the bottom. She said tell him we’re making sandwiches so we came up with a plan. "Tomato" means harder and "cheese" means faster. So we were having sex and she was screaming, "Tomato, tomato, tomato, cheese, cheese, cheese," then my little brother said, "Can y’all stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over my bed."

Why did Hitler's girlfriend break up with him? He Hit-ler.

There are two siblings, a little brother and a big brother. Now, the big brother had a girlfriend, and one night they decided to go and have sex. So, the bigger brother goes to pick up his girlfriend one night and take her home. So they get to the bigger brother's house and walk into his room. Now the two siblings shared the room, and they had bunk beds. When they walked in the room, they saw the little brother asleep in the bottom bunk, so they went up to the top bunk to have sex. The big brother says, "Whenever you feel good, say 'lettuce,' and whenever you want to switch positions say 'tomato'." The girl constantly is saying "lettuce, tomato," and then the little brother wakes up. He quietly remarks, "Can you guys stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over me."

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

What's the difference between having sex with my girlfriend and a baby?

I don't have a girlfriend.

Ex-girlfriend: "I can smell fish."

Ex-boyfriend: "I can smell shit."

Ex-boyfriend: "Well, how many boys swam down there?"

Ex-girlfriend: "20!"

Fish: "It wasn't me. I don't swim around mistakes."

How many genders are there?

One, women are property.

I was in my car listening to my radio. Steve Winwood's song came on, "Just Roll With It, Baby." I said that must be one of Stephen Hawking's favorite songs; he sings it to his girlfriend.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass.

What can you tell a dog, but not your girlfriend? Come.

My father is like Houdini. When he heard his girlfriend was pregnant, he disappeared.

Little Johnny is walking around and peeks in his parents' room, catching them having sex. So he asks, "What are you guys doing?" and they reply, "Nothing, nothing! We're just, uh, making cake," and they send him away.

So he continues walking around, and he hears some strange noises coming from his brother's room. He walks in and catches his brother and his brother's girlfriend having sex and then asks him, "What are you guys doing?" and his brother yells, "Get out! We're making cake!"

So Johnny leaves and goes to his room. The next day the whole family is at the dinner table and Little Johnny turns to his sister and says, "So, you and your boyfriend were making cake last night, huh?" and she replies, "OMG! How'd you know!?" and Johnny replies, "Because I licked the icing off the couch."

Q: What did the skeleton say when he proposed to his girlfriend?

A: Will you marrow me?

I broke up with my deaf girlfriend because she never listened to me.

I love breakups. My ex-girlfriends always end up in pieces.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.

But I knew she’d come crawling back to me.