I call my girlfriend .05 because she's a bag I blow into when I've had a few drinks.
I was out for dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I, being 42, had many people shouting at me, scolding me, calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.
A man wakes up from his operation, and the doctor says, "I have bad news and good news, what do you want to hear first?"
The man says, "Bad," so the doctor says, "During the surgery, your girlfriend decided to leave a message that she’s leaving you for another man."
The man says, "What’s the good then?" And the doctor says, "I’m picking her up at 7."
Who do you call someone that steals his brother's girlfriend and [is] disowned by his whole family? Brandon.
Face-Timing My Girlfriend:
"Hey girl! Are you a veterinarian? Because these puppies are sick!" *shows muscle*
What does a pirate say to his girlfriend?
I want your booty!
My girlfriend called me a pedophile... That's a big word for a 1st grader.
My girlfriend asked me to tell a joke. I told her to look in the mirror.
We never met again.
What’s the difference between a loser and a paper?
A girl actually dates the paper.
Why didn't Hitler's girlfriend like giving him a blowjob? It left a Nazi taste in her mouth...
I once had a trash can as a girlfriend.
I was ready to break up with her, but all she had to say was, "Please don't dump me!" Then I said, "Sorry, I'm ready to take out the trash."
Wyatt is a guy who still doesn't have a girlfriend because he didn't sit with Yanely and Jasmine at lunch. Funny joke, huh?
My girlfriend said she wanted to be pampered. I told her I wasn't into diaper fetishes.
I've been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer for the past two years.
But no one would do it.
My girlfriend called me a pedophile but what does she know, She's 7
My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday. I asked her why. She said, "Because you're a pedophile." I replied, "Pedophile! That's a big word for an eight year old."
When Stephen Hawking was asked why he was instantly attracted to his new girlfriend, he said, "It's simple, she pushes all the right buttons."
My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.
Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!
That's the best I've done so far.
What’s red, nine inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry every time she sees it?
Her abortion.
I'm 34 and I went on a date with my 19 year old girlfriend. I got heckled with "you're a paedophile!" and "you sick F...!" Completely ruined our 10th anniversary!
