What can you tell a dog, but not your girlfriend? Come.
My father is like Houdini. When he heard his girlfriend was pregnant, he disappeared.
Little Johnny is walking around and peeks in his parents' room, catching them having sex. So he asks, "What are you guys doing?" and they reply, "Nothing, nothing! We're just, uh, making cake," and they send him away.
So he continues walking around, and he hears some strange noises coming from his brother's room. He walks in and catches his brother and his brother's girlfriend having sex and then asks him, "What are you guys doing?" and his brother yells, "Get out! We're making cake!"
So Johnny leaves and goes to his room. The next day the whole family is at the dinner table and Little Johnny turns to his sister and says, "So, you and your boyfriend were making cake last night, huh?" and she replies, "OMG! How'd you know!?" and Johnny replies, "Because I licked the icing off the couch."
Q: What did the skeleton say when he proposed to his girlfriend?
A: Will you marrow me?
I broke up with my deaf girlfriend because she never listened to me.
I love breakups. My ex-girlfriends always end up in pieces.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.
But I knew she’d come crawling back to me.
I was hiking once with my girlfriend. Suddenly a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs. Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.
When I was a kid, I used to read a lot. I mainly grew up reading stories by Shakespeare, especially the story Romeo & Juliet. That one in particular taught me a valuable life lesson. It taught me to not be surprised when my girlfriend killed herself.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I have a small dick. Too bad for her, because I give good sex.
Q: What did Tim say when his girlfriend fell down a rabbit hole?
A: Hole-y shit!
Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I'm stuck here holding my rod.
What's red, 6 inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry when I feed it to her?
Her miscarriage.
Girlfriend after sex: How did you get so good at eating pussy?
Boyfriend: My mom taught me.
I call my girlfriend .05 because she's a bag I blow into when I've had a few drinks.
I was out for dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I, being 42, had many people shouting at me, scolding me, calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.
A man wakes up from his operation, and the doctor says, "I have bad news and good news, what do you want to hear first?"
The man says, "Bad," so the doctor says, "During the surgery, your girlfriend decided to leave a message that she’s leaving you for another man."
The man says, "What’s the good then?" And the doctor says, "I’m picking her up at 7."
Who do you call someone that steals his brother's girlfriend and [is] disowned by his whole family? Brandon.
Face-Timing My Girlfriend:
"Hey girl! Are you a veterinarian? Because these puppies are sick!" *shows muscle*
What does a pirate say to his girlfriend?
I want your booty!
