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How do you get an emo out of a tree?

You cut the rope.

Why did the orphan run into the street? To get to the other side of life.

My wife still misses me...

But her aim is getting better!

Where do you get 30% of your agua? From AGUAfers.

What time is it when you cannot walk anymore? Time to get a wheelchair 🦽

What time is it when you get home? Can you walk walk and a car and get home and get a walk home and get a dog 🐕? Today is the night I can drive.

Why do mountains get so big?

They have no natural predators.

Dark humor is like kids with cancer; they never get old.

A guy goes in to get some tests done. The doctor comes out and says, "I got good news and bad news." The guy says, "Ok, let's get the bad news out of the way." The doctor says, "The tests came back positive. You got two weeks to live." The guy says, "Oh My God!! Then what the hell is the good news?" Doctor says "You see that nurse over there, the one with the big tits? I'm screwin' her."

Hey guys! Ello here with an update!

I know I haven't been doing a lot of jokes lately, so I will make sure to do that, but I have something to say! I am going to Disneyland today!! So here is the plan. Today we are going to leave around 2 and go to Downtown Disney for dinner and check into our hotel and stuff like that. Then we are going to wake up bright and early tomorrow and go to Disneyland and stay 'til midnight, and then on Monday we are going to California Adventure! I am missing school on Monday! I'm so excited! And don't worry, I will make sure to tell you guys all about it when we get back. Love y'all!

So Jesus has been nailed to the cross.

On the first day, he starts to moan, "Peter, Peter!"

Well, Peter hears Jesus moaning and feels it is important, so begins to go up the hill. On his way, he is met by some Roman soldiers and they proceed to beat his ass back down the hill.

On the second day, Peter hears Jesus moaning again, "Peter, Peter!"

Peter thinks to himself, this is important. He heads up the hill, fights past the first line, but gets a beatdown by the second group and back down the hill he goes.

On the third day, Peter is woken up by Jesus sounding very weak, but calling out, "Peter, Peter!"

Peter feels that whatever it is that Jesus needs him for must be very important. Peter heads up the hill, he is on a mission. He manages to fight his way thru three sets of Roman guards and make his way to the cross Jesus has been nailed to for three days. He looks up to Jesus and says, "Jesus, I have heard your calls, what is so important?"

Jesus- "Peter, I can see your house from here!"

How do you get 50 hungry kids into a box? You put a can of beans in there.

How do you get 50 hungry kids out of a box? You run past with a can opener.

Why can't orphans get five stars in GTA?

Because they're not wanted.

Why are cheetahs bad at running away? They always get spotted.

My friend that was in a wheelchair was getting bullied, so I said, "Stand up for yourself."

A depressed man has been thinking of killing himself, and his friend says, "Find Jesus instead, he'll help you!"

And then the man says, "It's pretty hard to 'get help' from something that doesn't exist."

How does a mathematician get tan?

sin/cos.

When the school shooter is getting roasted because of his Pokemon lunch box, but they don't know that there is a Glock 34 inside.

Schools in the hood are kind of the same thing. I always seem to get shot.

How do get a nun pregnant? Fuck her!