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What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?
I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet.
When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 and 976 numbers, he doesn't get charged. He holds up the phone, and money falls out.
I love playing zebra crossing, but I always get run over.
Whoever invented the knock-knock joke should get a "no bell" prize.
Where do you think all the orphans went?
In the World Trade Center, I trapped them in so they can finally get to their parents.
You know what really grinds my gears? Robots and liars...for example that Stephen Hawking fella. He sure looks and sounds like a robot!! And a major liar too! If he wanted to show me how smart he really was he would have figured out how to get up out of that four wheeler and tell me how smart he is!!!!!
Why do orphans never get a car?
Because their parents need to buy them one.
What's the difference between a blonde and a car door? The harder you slam the blonde, the looser it gets.
Don't you just hate it when your grandmas always complaining about things getting stuck between her false teeth, like my foreskin?
Your mum is so fat that when you walk around her, you get lost.
When slave owners can't get a girlfriend, do they MASTERbate?
What is the difference between apples and orphans?........... The apple gets picked.
Where do babies get baptized?
So the priest can wash their sex toys.
If you ever get mad, just hit an orphan.
What are they gonna do, tell their parents?
When you get home and see your parents with your grades in their hands.
Twenty minutes later, they're slapping you with the belt.
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get to the barking lot.
A Chinese man moves to the USA after 50 years of living in Shanghai.
He bought a home on a small piece of land.
The friendly American neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy.
He goes next door, but on his way up the driveway he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard, chasing about 10 hens.
Not wanting to interrupt these "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
Next day he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees him urinate into a glass and then drink it.
Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the neighbor leading a bull down the driveway and then put his left ear next to the bull's butt.
The American dude can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, "Jeez man, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighborhood and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's butt, it could just about shit on you."
The Chinese man is very taken back and says, "Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I am doing, these are American Customs."
"What do you mean," says the neighbor, "Those aren't American customs."
"Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me," replied the Chinese man. "He say to become true American, I must learn to chase chicks, get piss drunk, and listen to bull-shit!"
I wish I was at a Western bar; then I would get shot.
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before, what can I get you?" "Pop," goes the weasel.
A guy goes to see his psychiatrist dressed only in bubble wrap. When he gets there, he asked the psych, "Can you please help me?"
The psych says, "No, I'm sorry, I can clearly see your nuts."