Do you know a way to really freak out someone that works at a car dealership?
You say, "Tell me if you can hear me," then get in the trunk and start screaming.
What do white people and fences have in common? They both get jumped by Mexicans.
What's the benefit of taking a depressed kid to the store?
Scan the wrist and you might get a discount.
Dark jokes are like water; some people just don't get it.
How do you know your acne is getting out of hand? The blind start reading your face.
My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.
It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
Why did I walk across the road?
To get hit by a car.
What's the difference between puppies and orphans?
The puppies actually get adopted.
What do you get when you cross a clergyman and a politician?
A panhandler.
My family loves to have dance parties. My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I'll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect. Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing! It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.
Aunt: Stop telling the kids Santa isn't real.
Me: Stop telling them their dad is going to get milk.
Want to know why parents don't get school shooting jokes?
Because they are aimed at a younger audience.
Why do some couples make their status "single" after a small argument? Like, I don't put "orphan" after I get into an argument with my family.
Today in math class we had to do an activity where we had to flip coins. The teacher said that we had to flip some coins, remove all of the heads, count them, and put the rest of the coins back in the cup and repeat until we had no coins left. I’m not sure what we were supposed to get out of that activity, but I got 15 dead bodies.
What's a perfect example of poor management? A prostitute getting pregnant.
Why do orphans like getting kidnapped? Because someone actually wants them. 🤣
What do a politician and a minister have in common?
Both of them will tell you anything to get money from you.
How do you get your grass to cut itself?
Make it depressed.
I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
I go in to get a prostate exam. I'm nervous, but the doctor says it's all natural and needs to be done.
So he pulls down my pants and sticks one finger up my ass. I feel it go deeper inside, feeling for abnormalities.
That's when I realize his hands are on my shoulders.
