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Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.

What’s the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese person

You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message

Son: Dad? Why is mommy no longer with us?

Dad: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Son: Why?

Dad: To get to the other side, but your mother only made it about halfway.

A boy walks up to a girl and says, "I would tell you a joke about my dick, but it's too long." Then the girl says, "Yeah, I would tell you a joke about my pussy, but you'll never get it."

Dad: "I'm giving all your toys to the orphanage."

Kid: "Why are you doing that?"

Dad: "So you won't get bored there."

Why can’t an orphan get suspended or expelled from school? Because they need to contact parents.

A teacher asked her class “what is sex?”

Little Johnny got up and said: “Sex is a *temptation* Caused by a *sensation* Where the boy sticks his *location* Into a girls *destination* To increase the *population* Of the next *generation* Did you get my *explanation*? Or do you need a *demonstration*?”

The teacher faints.

If being ugly was a crime, you would get a life sentence.

So I meet with a therapist on a weekly basis. We talk about my depression and how it's been getting worse. Recently, I've been advised about my condition, and how I've been discussing with her about being suicidal. She's been very helpful throughout it. I was even told I can pay in advance from now on, so I don't have to worry about it later.

Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

The happier they get, the less they see.

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

Depression is like therapy; the more you see it, the more you get used to it.

Kid: "I wish I could be like Batman!"

Genie: "Wish granted!"

When the kid gets home, both of his parents are dead.

My mom said, "Take out the trash," and I said, "Okay." The next day she asked, "Where is your sister?" and I said, "In line to get crushed."

How many times does 43 go into 8?

Get in the van and find out.

How do you get an emo out of a tree?

Cut the rope.

What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?

I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet.

In Soviet Russia, gay sex gets you arrested.

In America, getting arrested gets you gay sex.

How are school shooting victims and school shooting jokes similar?

They never get old.