Q: Why should you stand in the corner if you get cold?
A: It’s always 90 degrees.
What did the kid without hands get for Christmas? - I don't know, he still didn't open his present...
You can laugh at how men are stupid. But remember their favorite thing.
It starts with "M" and ends with "arriage".
If you guessed "Marriage" you're stupid. It's miscarriage and don't forget it. The joke never gets old to him. Just like the baby.
Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. However, the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.
The first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.
They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed. But you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, "Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"
I hear skeletons like to play the saxaBONE, though I think the tromBONE would be better, but tibia honest, both can be HUMERUS, wouldn't wanna hurt your funny bone, but I think your starting to get BONELY so I'll stop pulling your leg. Now get out before I give you a bad time.
What do you get when a cow is caught in an earthquake?
You get a milkshake!
What is the second hardest thing in the morning?
Getting up.
What story does an orphan always get kicked out of? Home Depot.
I'm funny but sad, I submit jokes you'll love. Look for my name in jokes you've read. Anyway.
What did the man with no hands get for his birthday? Gloves. Just kidding, he didn't have the chance to open the gifts.
How do you pet a psychopath's cat?
You get it out of the microwave.
My girlfriend asked me to write her a poem for Valentines Day:
Roses are red, Watches are gold. Get on your knees, And do as you're told.
What's the difference between orphans and cotton?
Cotton gets picked.
What do you get when you have an annoying kid, a homicidal kid, and a suicidal kid in the same room? A happy ending.
How do you get my neighbor out of their tree?
You untie the rope.
My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."
What is the difference between a Rubik’s cube and a penis? I don’t know, but they both get harder the more you play with them.
What do prime numbers and stoners have in common? The higher they are, the more spaced out they get.
How many times can 50 fit into 9?
Get in a van and find out.
Little Johnny is walking around and peeks in his parents' room, catching them having sex. So he asks, "What are you guys doing?" and they reply, "Nothing, nothing! We're just, uh, making cake," and they send him away.
So he continues walking around, and he hears some strange noises coming from his brother's room. He walks in and catches his brother and his brother's girlfriend having sex and then asks him, "What are you guys doing?" and his brother yells, "Get out! We're making cake!"
So Johnny leaves and goes to his room. The next day the whole family is at the dinner table and Little Johnny turns to his sister and says, "So, you and your boyfriend were making cake last night, huh?" and she replies, "OMG! How'd you know!?" and Johnny replies, "Because I licked the icing off the couch."
Dark jokes are like a new day. Suicidal people don't get it.
