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I hate people who get offended here, like seriously, it's called dark humor for a reason.
Little Johnny and little Sally walked in on Mommy and Daddy going at it in the bedroom doggy style. They innocently ask, "Mommy, Daddy what are you doing?"
Mommy says, "Oh, Daddy is just parking his car in Mommy's garage, now go and play."
A few minutes later they hear a blood curdling squeal and run to see what was the matter.
Little Johnny is running in circles squealing and little Sally says, "Well little Johnny was trying to park his car in my garage and he couldn't get the back wheels in so I took the scissors and cut them off."
My girlfriend asked me to write her a poem for Valentines Day:
Roses are red, Watches are gold. Get on your knees, And do as you're told.
What is the second hardest thing in the morning?
Getting up.
How do you fit 100 babies in a bowl? A blender.
How do you get them out? Tortilla chips.
How many times can 50 fit into 9?
Get in a van and find out.
Why buy a pregnant slave over a normal slave? Buy 1 get 1 free. 😂😂😂😂
Q: Why should you stand in the corner if you get cold?
A: It’s always 90 degrees.
What did the kid without hands get for Christmas? - I don't know, he still didn't open his present...
I hear skeletons like to play the saxaBONE, though I think the tromBONE would be better, but tibia honest, both can be HUMERUS, wouldn't wanna hurt your funny bone, but I think your starting to get BONELY so I'll stop pulling your leg. Now get out before I give you a bad time.
How do you pet a psychopath's cat?
You get it out of the microwave.
Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. However, the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.
The first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.
They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed. But you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, "Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"
This chess game against America and England is getting interesting. First, America lost both of its towers, but now England has lost its queen.
What's the same about "Make a Wish Program" and "Dark Jokes"?
They never get old.
What do Michael Jackson and a Playstation have in common? They both get turned on by kids.
What do you get when you have an annoying kid, a homicidal kid, and a suicidal kid in the same room? A happy ending.
What's the difference between orphans and cotton?
Cotton gets picked.
What do you get when you cross jokes and cum?
CUMedy.
My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."
What do prime numbers and stoners have in common? The higher they are, the more spaced out they get.