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What is the second hardest thing in the morning?

Getting up.

What do you do when you get locked outside your house? You talk to the lock, because communication is key.

Q: Why should you stand in the corner if you get cold?

A: It’s always 90 degrees.

What did the kid without hands get for Christmas? - I don't know, he still didn't open his present...

I hear skeletons like to play the saxaBONE, though I think the tromBONE would be better, but tibia honest, both can be HUMERUS, wouldn't wanna hurt your funny bone, but I think your starting to get BONELY so I'll stop pulling your leg. Now get out before I give you a bad time.

Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. However, the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.

The first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.

They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed. But you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, "Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"

What do you get when a cow is caught in an earthquake?

You get a milkshake!

What story does an orphan always get kicked out of? Home Depot.

How many times can 50 fit into 9?

Get in a van and find out.

I'm funny but sad, I submit jokes you'll love. Look for my name in jokes you've read. Anyway.

What did the man with no hands get for his birthday? Gloves. Just kidding, he didn't have the chance to open the gifts.

How do you pet a psychopath's cat?

You get it out of the microwave.

What do Michael Jackson and a Playstation have in common? They both get turned on by kids.

What do you get when you have an annoying kid, a homicidal kid, and a suicidal kid in the same room? A happy ending.

My girlfriend asked me to write her a poem for Valentines Day:

Roses are red, Watches are gold. Get on your knees, And do as you're told.

What's the difference between orphans and cotton?

Cotton gets picked.

What is the difference between a Rubik’s cube and a penis? I don’t know, but they both get harder the more you play with them.

How do you get my neighbor out of their tree?

You untie the rope.

My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."

What do prime numbers and stoners have in common? The higher they are, the more spaced out they get.

A guy is at home and he's about to go get a physical at the doctor's office. When he gets there, the doctor says, "Brian, you're going to have to stop masturbating." He asked the doc why? The doc said, "So I can examine you!"