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Roses are red, my name is Dan, I have a gun, GET IN THE VAN!

Your mamma's so ugly, even the toaster wouldn't get in the bathtub with her.

What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?

I don't know. He hasn't opened it yet.

What makes suicide illegal?

Getting caught.

What do white people and fences have in common? They both get jumped by Mexicans.

Circumcision is like getting your dick sucked by a female. If you did not like it when you were a teenager, you probably will not like it when you become an adult.

What starts with M and ends with arriage?

Miscarriage. Now we all know that joke never gets old, and you know what?

Neither does the child.

Yo mamma so fat, when God said, "Let there be light," he was just asking her to get out the way.

My life.

Tell me when you get it.

The Sunday school teacher is a little concerned that his kids might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”

Little Suzy replies, “He’s in heaven.”

Little Mary replies, “He’s in my heart.”

Little Johnny says, “He’s in the bathroom!”

The teacher says, “How do you know this?”

Then little Johnny says, “Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, “Jesus Christ are you still in there!?””

What do a politician and a minister have in common?

Both of them will tell you anything to get money from you.

what is it called when an illegal immigrant is getting raped?

alien vs predator

What do you call a group of Emo kids?

Suicide Squad.

What jumps and never let's go?

An Emo kid.

I bet all Emos want to be like their biggest influencers some day.

Dead.

Why do Emos want to be the "Scene" these days?

The only thing I've "Scene" from them is their suicide rate climbing, it's starting to climb quicker than they did to get to the top of whatever they jumped off.

I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.

How do you get four prostitutes on one chair?

You turn it upside down.

One day a father and a daughter were at a park. The daughter accidentally kills a butterfly. The father says, "Just because you killed the butterfly, you don't get butter for a week."

They were there the next day, and the daughter kills a cockroach. The father laughs and says, "Nice try."

Jack and Jill went up the hill to do it in the water. Jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a daughter.

Please like this. I bet my friend 20 bucks that I would get to 15 likes before him.

What does a turtle and a pedophile have in common? They both want to get there before the hare does.

Why did the depressed person cross the road?

To get run over.

A woman gets rid of polish with chemicals and no one bats an eye The Germans got rid of polish with chemicals and everyone lost their mind