Friend jokes

My friend texted me and asked me, "Hey. What's your favorite emoji?"

I said, "😬😬😬😬😬😬😬"

She said, "Why?"

I said, "'Cause it's your twin."

Yo mama is so skinny, she makes friends with a snake.

My teacher asked what was the worst time you got paddled by your parents. My one friend said that he got in trouble and got whacked by a stick. I raised my hand and said that my dad whacked me with his dick.

I told my friends that are gay that my hairline's straighter than he will ever be.

I was talking to my Welsh friend the other day, and he suddenly started talking Welsh to me then collapsed after the first few sentences. Turns out he had a stroke.

My friend, while we are shopping and I'm telling her about my mental illness: "You're priceless."

When we get to the checkout: "I'm actually $2.50."

What did the orphan's friend give him for his birthday?

Lego, so he can build a home.

My fat friend went to the doctor because he wanted to know his blood type. After performing some tests, the doctor said, "Well, the test results have shown that your blood type is ragu."

I beat up my twin friends with a plane.

My dad just found out and told my mom about one of their friends, Chad, who just murdered his wife, Claire. After doing that, he turned the gun on himself and committed suicide right after.

My mom's reply: "Jesus, Chad will do anything to get out of cleaning his mess, won't he?"

I got a new Lego airplane set from my friend... oddly, there were also two towers included in the box as well.

I lost my black friend in the shadows. I lost my white friend on the wall. I lost my Asian friend in the sand and I lost my Islamic friend in the bombings.

My friend is a pimp.

I think he's having an existential crisis. Lately, he just wants to be alone with his thots.

My friend told me she had a good joke and it beat all mine. I said, "Haha, that is funny!"

I murdered my friend's brother because he kept saying "HEE HEE" like Michael Jackson when I was trying to have a serious conversation. I just found out he was disabled. That's a THRILLER.

My friend just got a new house. He told me to make myself at home, so I threw him out. I hate visitors.

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jill could whack off Jack. Jill yelled out, "Jack, where is your sack?"

Said, "I'm not Jack, I'm your friend Nancy."

I tried kidnapping a kid today and told him I was his dad's friend and I would take him home. He just curled up into a ball and started crying. Kidnapping must be easy.

Once my friend was saying something dumb, and I was like, "I Campbell-eve you just said that."

My friend asked me:

Friend: "How much is your body worth?"

Me: "1 million."

Friend: "1 million dollars?!"

Me: "No. 1 million kilograms."

Friend: "Oh."