Friend jokes

My friends were the pilots on 9/11, they told me, "Bro, chill, it's just a prank!"

Kid: Dad, where are you going?

Dad: To get milk.

TEN YEARS LATER

Kid's friend: Where's your dad?

Kid: He went to get milk but never came back.

So, I was fucking this bitch, right, and I thought I had AIDS.

So I go and get tested. Turns out I did get AIDS. Now what I'm wondering is where the hell does an eight-year-old get AIDS?! I guess my sister needs new friends...

My friend said onions only cry, so that's why I threw a coconut at him.

There are a lot of upsides to being an orphan.

For one, you never have to worry about your jokes being family friendly.

Why is it so hard to make friends in Antarctica?

Because you cannot break the ice.

Did you hear about the woman who broke up with the man who had a small penis?

When his friends ask how he’s doing, he said, “I wasn’t that into her.”

My friend Josh made a joke about Liam's hairline, even though his ears are so big and his face looks like a monkey... if they were white.

My girlfriend just broke up with me because I held a door for another girl. She said I was cheating, but the girl I helped was in a wheelchair.

I asked my friend what the best gay joke is, and she said "You."

Jeffrey Dahmer and his mother are having dinner.

His mother says, “I don’t like your friends.”

Then Jeff says, “You can eat the potatoes.”

My disabled friend rolled into a burning orphanage and saved lots of kids. When he came out, the kids tried to play with him because his wheels were on fire. They called him Hot Wheels.

My Chinese friend died recently, So Yung.

Fat person: "Hey, what's up?"

Friend: "Your blood pressure!"

Instead of the line, "This girl's on fire," my friend can relate to, "The baby in the oven's on fire, and I need to take it the f*ck out!"

My wheelchair-bound friend was getting bullied, so I told him to stand up for himself.

My friend said an apple a day keeps the orphan away. I said only if you throw it hard enough.

I got LEGOs for Christmas, and my friend got her father's headstone.

A teenager went into a creepy house with his 3 friends. Only 2 came out. Where are the others?

(Getting brutally murdered.)

I asked my friend how long I can be in the sky. He said if you are emo, then forever.