Friend jokes

Literally every movie:

"I love you." "I love you, too."

My life:

My 'friends': "Hey, Hailey likes you!" Him: "Wtf, I have a girlfriend, sorry not sorry." His friends: Spreads the word throughout the whole goddamn country. 😶

My friends hate when I make skeleton jokes. I guess I need to put more backbone into it.

A man dies, and his friend is invited to his funeral.

This friend asks his wife, "Can I say a word?"

"Of course," she says.

The man stands up and says, "Plethora!"

The man's wife says, "Thanks, it means a lot!"

So, I was fucking this bitch, right, and I thought I had AIDS.

So I go and get tested. Turns out I did get AIDS. Now what I'm wondering is where the hell does an eight-year-old get AIDS?! I guess my sister needs new friends...

My friends were the pilots on 9/11, they told me, "Bro, chill, it's just a prank!"

Kid: Dad, where are you going?

Dad: To get milk.

TEN YEARS LATER

Kid's friend: Where's your dad?

Kid: He went to get milk but never came back.

My friend said onions only cry, so that's why I threw a coconut at him.

Fat person: "Hey, what's up?"

Friend: "Your blood pressure!"

There are a lot of upsides to being an orphan.

For one, you never have to worry about your jokes being family friendly.

My Chinese friend died recently, So Yung.

I asked my friend what the best gay joke is, and she said "You."

Me to friend: I'm homeschooled.

Friend: If I was homeschooled, I'd kms.

Me: Oh, I already tried that.

Did you hear about the woman who broke up with the man who had a small penis?

When his friends ask how he’s doing, he said, “I wasn’t that into her.”

Why is it so hard to make friends in Antarctica?

Because you cannot break the ice.

People ask me if my friend jumps off a bridge, will I go as well? Of course not. I am a leader; I will go first, my friend will jump after me!

My friend Josh made a joke about Liam's hairline, even though his ears are so big and his face looks like a monkey... if they were white.

My girlfriend just broke up with me because I held a door for another girl. She said I was cheating, but the girl I helped was in a wheelchair.

Look, Bono is a great guy, but shopping with him is a pain, because he still hasn't found what he is looking for.

Instead of the line, "This girl's on fire," my friend can relate to, "The baby in the oven's on fire, and I need to take it the f*ck out!"

I got LEGOs for Christmas, and my friend got her father's headstone.