Friend Jokes

My friend asked me once, "Is there any religion in the world that preaches a god who masturbates in a closed room?"

"Islam it is."

A man runs into a church and shouts, "Are there any dwarf nuns in the monastery?" The Pope said no, causing the man to say to his friend, "I told you you fucked a penguin!"

My friend’s neighbor’s house is a real pigsty. There are hogs everywhere wearing neck garments.

A friend asked what an acorn is.

I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”

How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?

Act like a nut.

Friends, gather here.

Samantha, Josephine, Stevie, Jess, Alice, and Alex.

My Dearest Friend--C'mon, RickRoll ;)

A girl walks up to her blind friend who she had not seen in a while and says: "Long time no see!"

Some guy came to me and said, "I'm your dad's friend. He asked me to pick you up."

*Laughing freaking hard* and told him, "Did you dig the grave?"

Three friends go to a water park and meet a genie. "You each get one wish." "When you get to the top of the slide, you shall scream your wish as you go down." The first man went down the slide and screamed "Coca Cola," and the pool was filled with Coca-Cola.

The next ugly-ass looking mf goes down the slide and screams "C-M&Ms" as if he wasn’t just about to say cum—then the pool was full of cu—I mean M&Ms. The last horny-ass bitch is so excited he says "Weee!" Then the pool is full of piss. He was upset the pool wasn’t full of dildos./j

You have to tell this to a friend:

There are 30 cows in a field. 20 ate 28 chickens. How many didn't? A: 10

A kid annoyed me the other day. I told him to shut up and go back to his parents. That's the last time I'm going to an orphanage.

POV: You walk up to your short friend and say, "How is the weather down there?"

"When your mom is pregnant and your best friend learns dad jokes."

Me:.....

My friends were the pilots on 9/11, they told me, "Bro, chill, it's just a prank!"

My friend: "Ess, stop with the self-harm jokes it's not funny."

Me: "C'mon it's not that deep."

Me: What’s the definition of “ignorance”?

Friend: Don’t know?

Me: U STUPID!

Friend: Did Jesus die a virgin?

Me: Of course not, he got nailed before he died.

I gave my blind friend a piece of sandpaper. He said it was the most gruesome book ever.

You never think of how people will react to an event. My friend gets discounts at any store he goes to.