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Friend jokes

Some guy came to me and said, "I'm your dad's friend. He asked me to pick you up."

*Laughing freaking hard* and told him, "Did you dig the grave?"

Three friends go to a water park and meet a genie. "You each get one wish." "When you get to the top of the slide, you shall scream your wish as you go down." The first man went down the slide and screamed "Coca Cola," and the pool was filled with Coca-Cola.

The next ugly-ass looking mf goes down the slide and screams "C-M&Ms" as if he wasn’t just about to say cum—then the pool was full of cu—I mean M&Ms. The last horny-ass bitch is so excited he says "Weee!" Then the pool is full of piss. He was upset the pool wasn’t full of dildos./j

You have to tell this to a friend:

There are 30 cows in a field. 20 ate 28 chickens. How many didn't? A: 10

A kid annoyed me the other day. I told him to shut up and go back to his parents. That's the last time I'm going to an orphanage.

POV: You walk up to your short friend and say, "How is the weather down there?"

"When your mom is pregnant and your best friend learns dad jokes."

Me:.....

My friend: "Ess, stop with the self-harm jokes it's not funny."

Me: "C'mon it's not that deep."

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    • I gave my blind friend a piece of sandpaper. He said it was the most gruesome book ever.

    So, there's Fred and Frank. Now, they've been friends for years, but Fred, see, he's depressed. Badly.

    Either way, so F+F are texting each other, and here's how it goes: (this is my first joke, so please don't judge too harshly)

    Frank: Yo

    Fred: Hi...

    Frank: U heard about de competition?

    Fred: Yeah...

    Frank: You wanna hang out?

    Fred: .......

    Frank: What? I've got some noose (news) for you.

    Fred: ...I(

    Frank: Fine.... I guess we need to think of a plan, though. We don't wanna be hanging on the end.

    Fred: *sigh* You know....you really can't rope me into this competition.

    Friends, who's your barber? They mess up big time.

    Me.

    You're just jealous because my dad cuts my hair for free, and you have to be paying 30 dollars just for that short-ass cut.

    Thomas Montgomery would eat his fillet of fish in bed every night. He had fillet of fish bedding and everything. His roommates always asked him, "Why are you eating your fillet of fish in bed?" He wouldn't reply.

    His family took him to the best psychologist in the field. Thomas continued emptying his bank account on fillet of fish to eat in bed. His friend said one day, took a picture of Thomas and told him to say cheese. They laughed and went there separate ways. Then in bed that night, Thomas kept on thinking to himself, "I never said cheese before someone snapped my picture." He repeated it again. The next day he thanked his friend, "Fillet in him feel better."

    So my friend died. I was at her casket. I said I'll see you on the other side, so I went to the other side of the casket.