Remember what one of my gay friends told me: it's only cannibalism if you swallow.
Don't you just hate it when you're the first one to fall asleep at a sleepover, and then you hear, "Prank em, John?"
I pushed my best friend's chair in class. Now I kinda feel bad that he was in a wheelchair.
My friend bought a Tom Holland blanket and I said, "Well, now you're sleeping with him."
What makes a cult and a racist family of 5 common?
Not all are friends.
I can never get away from my dog, he follows me everywhere. I think you two would be really good friends.
Me: Are you an alien?
Friend: No.
Me: Yeah, because you're too ugly to be one.
Dam, sometimes when I look at my friend's head, I say, "Dam, that's a dam big head, Nick." Then he is like, "Dude, that's a literal dam."
Tell me morbid jokes in comments so I have some jokes for my friend.
Here’s another joke my friend told me.
What did the school shooter do when the librarian told him to be quiet? Pulled out a silencer.
I’m back and have a joke my friend said!
Person 1: My brother's Halloween costume is so ugly.
Person 2: What was it?
Person 1: He went as himself.
Roses are red, I have a confession:
A man kills best friend after 10hrs anal sex session.
I call my friends Dodo birds. Because they don't exist.
Little Johnny ran into the kitchen and asked his mother, "Mom, can little girls have babies?" His mom answered, "Of course not." A few minutes later, his mom heard him shout to his friend, "It's okay, we can keep playing!"
My wife's always nagging me. "You don't let me have any friends, I abuse her, and I'm always coming back late." So I thought I would treat her. I popped up in the attic and introduced her to two women.
My friend asked me once, "Is there any religion in the world that preaches a god who masturbates in a closed room?"
"Islam it is."
A man runs into a church and shouts, "Are there any dwarf nuns in the monastery?" The Pope said no, causing the man to say to his friend, "I told you you fucked a penguin!"
My friend’s neighbor’s house is a real pigsty. There are hogs everywhere wearing neck garments.
A friend asked what an acorn is.
I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend? Act like a nut.
