Food jokes
The reason Stephen sounds like a computer is because he ate his USB.
How do you eat a meat?
You steak it in your mouth.
My cat sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her food prepared for her. She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. Her meals are provided at no cost to her. She visits the doctor once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her.
She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She receives these accommodations absolutely free. She is living like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy Sh*t, my cat is a Democrat!
How did the Chinese chicken cross the road?
He wok-ed.
Rabbit poop is cereal.
Papa John's pizzeria and abortion clinic. You make 'em, we bake 'em.
If someone calls you, just say:
"This is Peter's abortion clinic and pizza restaurant, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce!"
What is a carrot's favorite shop?
The wheelchair store.
One day it was me and my sister in the house. My sister said to me, "Let's order food." I said, "We have no money." My sister said, "It's cool; we're just going to order egg rolls from the Chinese store. I know the delivery boy, and he won't charge us." I said, "Cool."
The delivery boy came with the egg rolls. I took some and ate mine in my room. I went back in the kitchen. I see my sister giving the delivery boy a blow job. I ask, "What are you doing?" My sister replied back to me, "You had your egg rolls; let me enjoy mine." Then the delivery boy said, "Don't no charge."
What do you call a shedding Panera Bread?
Panera Shed.
Why did the skeleton eat tacos?
Because he was hungry.
You can tune a guitar, but you can’t tuna fish.
A note for my old English Teacher:
Mr. Colin, who loves making a din, He thinks everyone loves him, but little does he know, That's not what everyone shows, About his life he ploughs and ploughs, About his dog Bella and his relationship woes... Mr. Colin, we do not care, When you speak, our minds are not there, Your life you have unnecessarily shared, When we see you, our eyesight is impaired... Mr. Colin, rumbling about his exceptions, Just when someone puts something in the bin, Or chatters to someone, not even causing a din, But Mr. Colin, drinking too much gin, Will flail all his annoying attention on him, He'll push his limits, right to the rim...
And just how I love flan! Oh, he's finally gone!
Why do bunnies like Bruno Mars? Because he got 24 carrots.
Q: What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A: A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.
My name is Mr. Cheese, but your jokes are still cheesier than me...
Why can't blind people eat crawfish? Because it's seafood!
Why were the Twin Towers so mad?
Because they ordered pepperoni, but instead they got plain!
What do you call a chicken staring at a pile of lettuce?
A chicken sees a salad.
(Say it out loud if you don't get it!)
What do chicken on a plancha and emos have in common?
They both are hung.