Food jokes
It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Q: What's red and screams?
A: A peeled baby in a bag of salt.
Question: Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Answer: Because they taste funny!
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Man, choking on sugar seems like the sweetest way to die.
I love it when candy canes are in mint condition.
What did the doctor say to the potato?
It told it it had tuberculosis.
Want to hear a pizza joke?
Never mind, it’s too cheesy.
Our teacher said for two kids to stare at a wall for no reason, so I said, "Hey wall, that ass flat like a pancake from McDonald's."
What cereal do I eat?
Captain Bolts.
Why is there no toilet paper at KFC?
Because it's finger lickin' good!
How do you get ten babies in a bowl?
A blender.
How do you get them out?
Doritos.
Why don't vegetarians moan during sex?
Because they don't want to admit that meat makes them happy.
I have a lot of eggcellent egg puns, get the yolk... Oh come on, don't be hard-boiled!
What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection?
Quarter pounder with cheese.
Guy 1: Why is my cat so angry?
Guy 2: Because she wants to eat your big sausage.
Guy 1: Don't you?
Guy 2: Yeah, it seems delicious.
Guy 1: Mmm, so... w-wait what are you doing? I didn't think you meant the one in my lunch :< Where are you leaving #_#
**Meow...**
Guy 1: Shut up, I will never feed you this sausage. It's not for you :< -_- </3
Why does the egg crack? Cos it's sad.
Three men are shipwrecked on a jungle island and taken prisoner by the residing cannibals. They are all told to walk into the jungle and come back with one piece of fruit. They go in and the first man comes out with a peach. He is instructed to shove it in his ass, and if he laughs, he will be killed. He tries and dies.
The second man comes back with a grape and is instructed to do the same. When the two meet at the pearly gates, the first man says, "I had a peach. They're fuzzy. You had a grape. What's your excuse?"
"Well, I was doing fine until I saw Jimmy come out of the brush with a pineapple."
Why did Jimmy drop his ice cream?
Because he was dead.
What is China's favorite restaurant?
The Pet Store.