Food jokes
How do you take care of all the babies you just crushed with your car?
Open a pizza shop 🍕
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
Why do you like cream instead of bugs?
Because bugs can kill you.
What type of candy does the most magic?
Twix!
What is the difference between a puppy and a fork?
I don’t microwave forks.
What do strippers and peanut butter have in common? They both spread for bread.
Q: What’s the difference between orphans and apples?
A: Apples get picked.
Beans for centuries have been called "false friends," because they have a tendency to talk behind one's back. If you get my drift. 🤣
What kind of flour do orphans use to bake bread?
Self-raising.
What is the difference between an apple and an orphan? Apples get picked.
Did you hear about the new emo pizza? It cuts itself.
What pizza 🍕 do you order for Christmas?
Cheeses Crust!
What's long and black?
The line to KFC.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Finding only half a worm.
I was excited to finally watch the new documentary on Netflix. It was about Pessi’s UberEats career.
In the trailer, Pessi delivered food to French farmers. I watched the documentary and got shocked when I found out how finished Pessi is. He delivered one Pizza in 44 attempts.
What type of fish goes best with peanut butter?
Jellyfish!
What's white, yellow and goes 40 mph?
A train driver's egg sandwich.
What's the definition of disgusting?
Sticking 5 oysters up your grandmother and sucking 6 out!
Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long for fat people.
Man goes to the doctor. He has a banana sticking out of one ear, a carrot sticking out of the other ear, and a green bean sticking out of one nostril.
"Doctor, I'm not feeling well," the man complains.
"Well, it's no wonder," the doctor replies. "You're not eating right!"