"Sanderson, fire a warning shot."
"Uhh sir, this is an M32 rotary grenade launcher."
"Ah potato-potato, just pull the trigger."
Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with. So, they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
A white dad, a priest, and a rabbi all run out a burning school, and the dad says, “What about the kids?” and the rabbi replies to him saying, “Fuck the kids,” and the priest says, “Think we got enough time?”
I pushed a disabled kid in a fire, then called him "hot wheels."
Sixty years ago, Stephen Hawking's teacher got fired for accidentally making an offensive joke. What was it? Go for your dreams, kids. Reach for the stars.
I would roast you but burning trash is bad for the environment.
Give a man a match, he'll be warm for a while. But set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Boss: You're fired.
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You're a waiter. Where did you get those?
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets." "Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo." "Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three." "Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant." "Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow." "What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"
I threw a paralyzed kid into the fireplace and called him hotwheels.
Q: Why did the chef get fired?
A: He took cooking advice from Hitler!
I was talking to my friend, and he said, "I lost my virginity to a girl, and then she stopped coming to school." And I said, "Probably because she was fired."
When the school shooter pulls the fire alarm, and the autistic kid thinks it’s a rave party.
Why do they call me a firefighter? Because I find them hot, and I leave them wet!
What do you call a gay barbecue?
LGTBBQ.
My little cousin's birthday was in a few days, and his mom said he wanted Hot Wheels. So I sent him a video of me pushing a paralyzed kid into fire and screaming "HOT WHEELS!"
My school is on fire today, and I pushed a kid in a wheelchair down the stairs and shouted, "Hot Wheels!"
What do you call a burning church?
Holy smokes.
I was told to burn calories, so I threw your mom in the fire.
My aunt used to say, "Slow and steady wins the race." She died in a fire.
