Father Jokes

A little girl said one day, "Grandma's gonna die tonight!" The next morning, the girl's grandmother's body was found.

That day she said again, "Grandpa's gonna die tonight!" Sure enough, the girl's grandfather died and his body was discovered the next morning.

That day she said, "Daddy's gonna die tonight." The girl's father was terrified. He lay shaking the entire night. Somehow, he survived until morning. His wife came into the room crying. He asked her why she was upset and she said that the postman had died last night.

When my dad left, he said he would bring back the milk, but 20 years later he only came with my new sister and eggs. And I confronted him, and he said, "I used all the milk to make your sister."

Father's day is a dad joke

What did the Nazi say when a doll hit his daughter?

A-doll Hitler!

The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged and dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped, and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels,” he said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. “Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the Northeast slope, stored in steel vats.”

The manager was amazed. He winked at his secretary. The secretary understood and brought out a glass of urine. The drunkard tasted it and said, “It's a blond, 27 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get this job, I'll tell who the father is!”

What does Nemo have in common with my dad?

They both can't be found.

What did the father name his daughter with no legs?

Peggy.

We shouldn't joke about major tragedies. My dad died in 9/11, he was Saudi Arabia's best pilot.

Why can't orphans stand Darth Vader?

Because he's their father.

I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.

A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labor. The doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father. They agree, so the machine is used. 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not feeling anything, 100%, nothing.

The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.

A proud new dad sits down with his own father.

His father says, "Son, you now have a child of your own, so I think it's time I gave you this." And so, he pulls out a book: 1001 Dad Jokes.

The young man says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.

His father says, "Hi, Honored, I'm Dad."

Why did your father go away?

'Cause he needs da milk.

I would make a dad joke, but I don't have a dad to joke about.

A father of five puts on a gas mask and a hazard suit and walks outside, but before he could make it, his son came and asked, "Dad, what are you wearing?"

The father answered with, "A costume for Halloween."

The child asked, "Can I join?" He said no, for he said it's their last Halloween. After that, I saw green smoke all over the same house they lived in.

Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire.

That made my father very mad, as we didn't have a fireplace.

"Uh daddy harder," the orphan said. Oh wait, he doesn’t have a daddy.

Did I ever tell you my father should have been on the plane that crashed into the Twin Towers?

But that's just my opinion.

Some guy came to me and said, "I'm your dad's friend. He asked me to pick you up."

*Laughing freaking hard* and told him, "Did you dig the grave?"

There are only 363 days in a year for orphans because Mother's Day and Father's Day don't count.