Family jokes

Person: You can't kill an orphan!

Me: What are they going to do, go tell their parents?

Bastards can never pray, because they don't have a Holy Father.

My sister's boyfriend was coming around for Christmas Day. He had the option of two birds to tuck into: Turkey or Goose.

I said, "Are you not satisfied with my sister, who is literally handing herself on a plate to you?!"

What's the difference between an orphan and an apple?

The apple gets picked.

I walked in on my little sister when she was naked.

The thing I have to say is that my little sister is a big sister with big tits & ass with juicy lips upstairs & downstairs. I say whoever is going to be my brother-in-law is going to be a very happy person.

Q: Why did Hitler shoot himself?

A: Because his mother taught him to take out the trash.

I had a threesome on an elevator with a monkey and my underage, deaf, & mentally challenged sister...

It was wrong on so many levels.

My mom told me that my friend Paul is coming over, and he is going to sleep over, so I was happy.

The next day, I ask my mom, "Where's the dog?" My mom asks me, "What dog?"

Then I said to my mom, "I heard Paul say, 'Do you want it doggy?' and you said 'Yeah.'"

About a month ago, I was at my best friend’s funeral and I told him, "Bitches always come and go." He looked at me kinda mad, kinda confused, and said, "That’s my mom, dude."

My sister is so stupid, she thought LBJ was a blow job.

Father talks to his 5-year-old son: “No, Petie, you don’t have to worry. There is no monster sleeping under your bed. It sleeps every day in the bed next to me.”

Why didn’t the train kill nine families of four?

Because he had no loco-MOTIVE. AHAHAH

What’s worse than banging your sister?

Having to wear your dad’s wedding ring.

What's the difference between child abuse and abandonment?

The abused ones are forced to listen while being abused, while abandoned kids cry because they don't have parents anymore.

What do blind kids and orphans have in common?

They can't see their parents.

What's your mom and a dog got in common?

Both will lick dick if you put peanut butter on it.

What does your mom say when she is working?

Nothing, it's rude to talk with your mouth full.

Hey there little mister, I'm dating your sister.

My father told me to always carry a women's bag, but I don't know why he called the cops on me when I helped Mom's bag when we went parachuting. :(

I hate when my father doesn't cook me cocktails for tea.