Family jokes

I know an orphan named Zara, and he has never had homemade food.

What do you call a priest that graduated from law school?

Father-in-law.

What's the difference between your birth and 9/11?

One was planned.

A dad tells his son, "Stop masturbating! If you do it too long, you will go blind."

The son replied, "Dad, I'm over here!"

If I was any more inbred, I'd be a sandwich.

What's the difference between YouTube adverts and orphans?

Most get skipped no matter how interesting they are.

I hate it when a couple has a minor quarrel, and the girlfriend updates her Facebook status to ‘single.’

I mean, I fight with my parents all the time, but I never update my status to ‘orphan.’

Your hairline goes back to when your dad left you.

Why do orphans hate health ed at school?

Their parents can't opt them out of it.

I was kicked out of an orphanage kitchen because I yelled, "Hurry up, some of us have homes to get back to."

I took my 5 year old son to ride some roller coasters. I think he didn’t like it because I challenged him to a no hands contest.

He said, "But I don’t have any." He wanted to know what dark humor is. Now he knows what it is and what it feels like.

My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and left. Right?

My son came up to me and said, "Dad, I'm depressed."

I pointed to the spare room and said, "Hang in there, son."

What do sex and food have in common?

Grandma makes both better.

What's the difference between yo mama and a fat ugly pig? - I never fucked that fat ugly pig...

What’s the similarities between a pillow and your mom?

They’re both in my bed.

Q. Why do orphans love elevators?

A. Because they're the only things to raise them.

What do a blind person and an orphan have in common?

They both cannot see their family.

My sis told me that onions are the only food that can make you cry...

So I threw a coconut at her.

You call your dad the sun because he is 90 million miles away.