Family jokes

I'll always remember my Dad's last words before he died on 9/11...

Allahu Akbar!

Three guys are on a plane: one is Asian, one is Mexican, and the other is an American. The pilot says, "There is too much weight on the plane, you all need to throw something off." So the Mexican threw out a burrito and said, "I have plenty of these where I come from." Then the Asian threw out some rice and said, "I have plenty of these in my country." The American threw out a bomb and said, "I have a lot of these in my country."

The plane crashes anyway, and the three men start to walk away from the crash. As they were walking, they found a boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of burritos fell out of the sky and got me all messy." The men started walking away and soon enough they found another boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of rice fell out of the sky and shredded all my clothes." The guys knew who did it but avoided the trouble. They kept on walking and found a kid laughing so hard he was on the ground, and they asked what had been so funny. The boy said, "MY GRANDPA FARTED AND THE HOUSE BLEW UP!!!"

I started crying when dad was cutting onions.

Onions was such a good dog.

What's the best comeback for a person calling you an orphan?

Kill their parents.

Yo mama so old the carpenter uses her crotch as sandpaper.

My mum's a carrot.

Why are orphans so skinny?

They never eat anything that is family size.

Yo mama so slutty the abortion clinic gave her a loyalty card and coupon for 20% off her next abortion.

A dad tells his son, "Stop masturbating! If you do it too long, you will go blind."

The son replied, "Dad, I'm over here!"

What's the difference between your birth and 9/11?

One was planned.

What’s the difference between orphans and blind children?

None. Neither can see their parents.

Yo mama is such a slut, she could get slapped by a pack of hot dogs and get pregnant.

My son came up to me and said, "Dad, I'm depressed."

I pointed to the spare room and said, "Hang in there, son."

In what city do you always lose your mum? Mumbai.

What do sex and food have in common?

Grandma makes both better.

What's the difference between yo mama and a fat ugly pig? - I never fucked that fat ugly pig...

I was kicked out of an orphanage kitchen because I yelled, "Hurry up, some of us have homes to get back to."

I took my 5 year old son to ride some roller coasters. I think he didn’t like it because I challenged him to a no hands contest.

He said, "But I don’t have any." He wanted to know what dark humor is. Now he knows what it is and what it feels like.

What’s the similarities between a pillow and your mom?

They’re both in my bed.

I know an orphan named Zara, and he has never had homemade food.