Family jokes
My sisters ask me, "Are you really a virgin?" I say, "That's nun of your business!"
I was trying to poison Santa, but he killed my dad and ate all the cookies! 😤
I'll always remember my Dad's last words before he died on 9/11...
Allahu Akbar!
Three guys are on a plane: one is Asian, one is Mexican, and the other is an American. The pilot says, "There is too much weight on the plane, you all need to throw something off." So the Mexican threw out a burrito and said, "I have plenty of these where I come from." Then the Asian threw out some rice and said, "I have plenty of these in my country." The American threw out a bomb and said, "I have a lot of these in my country."
The plane crashes anyway, and the three men start to walk away from the crash. As they were walking, they found a boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of burritos fell out of the sky and got me all messy." The men started walking away and soon enough they found another boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of rice fell out of the sky and shredded all my clothes." The guys knew who did it but avoided the trouble. They kept on walking and found a kid laughing so hard he was on the ground, and they asked what had been so funny. The boy said, "MY GRANDPA FARTED AND THE HOUSE BLEW UP!!!"
I started crying when dad was cutting onions.
Onions was such a good dog.
Yo mama so old the carpenter uses her crotch as sandpaper.
What's the best comeback for a person calling you an orphan?
Kill their parents.
Why are orphans so skinny?
They never eat anything that is family size.
My mum's a carrot.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"Father replied, "I don't know, son. I'm still paying."
What's the difference between your birth and 9/11?
One was planned.
In what city do you always lose your mum? Mumbai.
What's the difference between yo mama and a fat ugly pig? - I never fucked that fat ugly pig...
I took my 5 year old son to ride some roller coasters. I think he didn’t like it because I challenged him to a no hands contest.
He said, "But I don’t have any." He wanted to know what dark humor is. Now he knows what it is and what it feels like.
A dad tells his son, "Stop masturbating! If you do it too long, you will go blind."
The son replied, "Dad, I'm over here!"
Yo mama is such a slut, she could get slapped by a pack of hot dogs and get pregnant.
My son came up to me and said, "Dad, I'm depressed."
I pointed to the spare room and said, "Hang in there, son."
What do sex and food have in common?
Grandma makes both better.
I was kicked out of an orphanage kitchen because I yelled, "Hurry up, some of us have homes to get back to."
Why do orphans cause trouble at school?
So the teachers will call their parents.