Family jokes

Orphans go to church to call someone father.

My sisters ask me, "Are you really a virgin?" I say, "That's nun of your business!"

I was trying to poison Santa, but he killed my dad and ate all the cookies! 😤

I started crying when dad was cutting onions.

Onions was such a good dog.

Three guys are on a plane: one is Asian, one is Mexican, and the other is an American. The pilot says, "There is too much weight on the plane, you all need to throw something off." So the Mexican threw out a burrito and said, "I have plenty of these where I come from." Then the Asian threw out some rice and said, "I have plenty of these in my country." The American threw out a bomb and said, "I have a lot of these in my country."

The plane crashes anyway, and the three men start to walk away from the crash. As they were walking, they found a boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of burritos fell out of the sky and got me all messy." The men started walking away and soon enough they found another boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of rice fell out of the sky and shredded all my clothes." The guys knew who did it but avoided the trouble. They kept on walking and found a kid laughing so hard he was on the ground, and they asked what had been so funny. The boy said, "MY GRANDPA FARTED AND THE HOUSE BLEW UP!!!"

What's the best comeback for a person calling you an orphan?

Kill their parents.

My mum's a carrot.

Why are orphans so skinny?

They never eat anything that is family size.

Your mom said, "Can you get to the dick game?"

What’s the similarities between a pillow and your mom?

They’re both in my bed.

If Germany is the father land, and Russia is the mother land, would WWII just be domestic violence?

My dad died in 9/11.

He was the best pilot I ever knew.

Why do orphans kill people so they can finally be wanted?

Why did the orphan get kicked off the baseball team?

He would never make it home base.

What do a blind person and an orphan have in common?

They both cannot see their family.

Roses are red, my mental health is blue, Karen got no mom like you.

I decided to take my mother-in-law out the other day. I love being a hitman.

Why would an orphan be a good Spider-Man?

Because his parents will be far from home.

What's the difference between saying "bloody" in America and in the U.K.?

In the U.K., it's a swear word.

In America, it's a family reunion.

Q. Why do orphans love elevators?

A. Because they're the only things to raise them.