Family jokes

You know those paper families you cut out?

Well, I put one of those in an orphanage.

Yo mama so ugly that when she was born, the doctor looked at her face, then at her butt and said, "Twins!"

I helped my son (who is missing his arms) unwrap his Christmas present. The ungrateful bastard just sits there and cries, and it's a pair of mittens. The ungrateful bastard is just sitting there, crying.

How do you circumcise a redneck?

Kick his sister in the chin.

Why can't orphans be gay?

They don't have a closet to come out of.

Why can't an orphan sign up for adoption websites?

Parental Login: __________

Orphans go to church to call someone father.

joe: Are your mom and dad nice?

zozo: Well, they were until I murdered them over a bottle of Pringles.

joe: Oh, so you are an orphan and a murderer.

I don't fuck my mother all day long. I fuck my mother for only 6 hours a day. Sometimes it's 7-8 hours. It depends on how busy my siblings and father are with their work.

What do you call a blonde in a freezer?

Her parents called her Cindy, so we should probably continue calling her that. She was supposed to graduate tomorrow.

What flour do orphans use when baking? Self-Raising (Rising).

My sisters ask me, "Are you really a virgin?" I say, "That's nun of your business!"

I was trying to poison Santa, but he killed my dad and ate all the cookies! 😤

I'll always remember my Dad's last words before he died on 9/11...

Allahu Akbar!

Three guys are on a plane: one is Asian, one is Mexican, and the other is an American. The pilot says, "There is too much weight on the plane, you all need to throw something off." So the Mexican threw out a burrito and said, "I have plenty of these where I come from." Then the Asian threw out some rice and said, "I have plenty of these in my country." The American threw out a bomb and said, "I have a lot of these in my country."

The plane crashes anyway, and the three men start to walk away from the crash. As they were walking, they found a boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of burritos fell out of the sky and got me all messy." The men started walking away and soon enough they found another boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of rice fell out of the sky and shredded all my clothes." The guys knew who did it but avoided the trouble. They kept on walking and found a kid laughing so hard he was on the ground, and they asked what had been so funny. The boy said, "MY GRANDPA FARTED AND THE HOUSE BLEW UP!!!"

I started crying when dad was cutting onions.

Onions was such a good dog.

Why are orphans so skinny?

They never eat anything that is family size.

My mum's a carrot.

What's the best comeback for a person calling you an orphan?

Kill their parents.

Yo mama so old the carpenter uses her crotch as sandpaper.