Family jokes

What flour do orphans use when baking? Self-Raising (Rising).

Mom said dad had the best pullout game... now I'm an uncle.

joe: Are your mom and dad nice?

zozo: Well, they were until I murdered them over a bottle of Pringles.

joe: Oh, so you are an orphan and a murderer.

What do you call a blonde in a freezer?

Her parents called her Cindy, so we should probably continue calling her that. She was supposed to graduate tomorrow.

My sisters ask me, "Are you really a virgin?" I say, "That's nun of your business!"

I was trying to poison Santa, but he killed my dad and ate all the cookies! 😤

Three guys are on a plane: one is Asian, one is Mexican, and the other is an American. The pilot says, "There is too much weight on the plane, you all need to throw something off." So the Mexican threw out a burrito and said, "I have plenty of these where I come from." Then the Asian threw out some rice and said, "I have plenty of these in my country." The American threw out a bomb and said, "I have a lot of these in my country."

The plane crashes anyway, and the three men start to walk away from the crash. As they were walking, they found a boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of burritos fell out of the sky and got me all messy." The men started walking away and soon enough they found another boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of rice fell out of the sky and shredded all my clothes." The guys knew who did it but avoided the trouble. They kept on walking and found a kid laughing so hard he was on the ground, and they asked what had been so funny. The boy said, "MY GRANDPA FARTED AND THE HOUSE BLEW UP!!!"

I started crying when dad was cutting onions.

Onions was such a good dog.

Why are orphans so skinny?

They never eat anything that is family size.

My mum's a carrot.

What's the best comeback for a person calling you an orphan?

Kill their parents.

What's the difference between your birth and 9/11?

One was planned.

A dad tells his son, "Stop masturbating! If you do it too long, you will go blind."

The son replied, "Dad, I'm over here!"

My dad died in 9/11.

He was the best pilot I ever knew.

I hate it when a couple has a minor quarrel, and the girlfriend updates her Facebook status to ‘single.’

I mean, I fight with my parents all the time, but I never update my status to ‘orphan.’

Why did the orphan try to get hurt?

Because then they would get surrounded with people who care about him.

He looks around, no one is there.

An orphan? We no jokes.

Jokeless orphan since they were always stacked on jokes.

Why do orphans hate health ed at school?

Their parents can't opt them out of it.

Why do orphans get to watch rated R movies? Because their parents can't stop them.

"911, what’s your emergency?" I asked, listening to the quiet sobs of a little kid on the other end of the line.

“I think my daddy want to kill me,” the girl said and cried, making me freeze on the spot as I recognized my daughter’s voice.