Family jokes
Why can't orphans be gay? They don't have a closet to come from.
I said to my pregnant wife, "Push, darling, come on, push harder, dear!" No, she wasn't giving birth; the bloody car would not start.
My aunt visited and saw all of the stuff around the house my mom had kept over the years and said, "If you have something that no one likes, and it only makes people upset, or it's useless, throw it away."
The next time my aunt visited, she said, "Where is your daughter?"
My mom said, "I took your advice."
- Yo mama is so fat, when she wears a yellow dress, people yell "Taxi!"
- Yo mama is so stupid, she tried to climb Mountain Dew.
- Yo mama is so ugly, she made a blind kid cry.
- Yo mama is so old, she knew Burger King when he was still a prince.
- Yo mama is so poor, she can't even afford to pay attention.
How many orphans does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they don't even got a home.
True as fuck
Christmas special
Me: Can you describe Mrs. Claus in 3 words? Santa: Ho ho ho.
I asked Siri why I am still single; she showed me a pic of my mom riding on my dick!
What do you call a cup with a handle?
A mug! HAHA ha... My parents just got a divorce :(
So, Little Johnny comes home from school knowing damn well he messed up his math test. His mother and father get home and he tells them, "Mom, I failed my math test." His mother aggressively says, "Get the belt!" Johnny says, "Why?" His mother says, "I'm gonna spank you for failing!" Johnny says, "So just like daddy?" His father turns red knowing what they did last night.
To my best friend, my brother is like a spider. She chose to kill him straight away. That's why she is my friend, after all!
I want to die like my grandpa, with a blindfold and a wet sponge on his head.
Why did the orphan become a killer?
Because he knew they would not look for him.
Why couldn't the orphan buy chips?
They were all family sized.
Why do orphans hate knock knock jokes?
Because there is never anyone at the door.
What's an orphan's favorite part of a website?
The homepage.
Why do orphans only have 363 days in a year?
Because they don't have Mother's and Father's day.
Why can't orphans play baseball?
They can't make a home run.
Kid: "Mom, I had a scary dream. Can I come sleep with you and dad?"
Mom: "Sure, sweetie, sleep in the middle."
Kid: "Dad, can you get the remote out of my back?"
Dad: "That isn't the remote."
*Weird background music*
Why don't orphans get offended by dark humor?
Because it can't hit home.
When my grandpa was 65, he decided to run a mile a day to keep fit.
He's 70 now, and we have no idea where he is.