Family Jokes

My sis told me that onions are the only food that can make you cry...

So I threw a coconut at her.

What do you call a priest that graduated from law school?

Father-in-law.

You call your dad the sun because he is 90 million miles away.

Roses are red, my mental health is blue, Karen got no mom like you.

Why would an orphan be a good Spider-Man?

Because his parents will be far from home.

The image shows a text message exchange between a dad and his son. The dad asks, "Are you wining, son?" The son replies with a picture of his Minecraft character standing in front of a sign that reads "Kool Kids Klub," and a caption "DEFINITELY".

(some kid crying because hes an orphan and kids are bulling him) teacher:HEY i was a orphan to so if you bully him your basicly trying to bully me too me:OOF teacher:now is somebody not here? me:your parents

What is the difference between an orphan and cotton candy?

Answer: The cotton candy gets picked.

What's the difference between saying "bloody" in America and in the U.K.?

In the U.K., it's a swear word.

In America, it's a family reunion.

A dad tells his son, "Stop masturbating! If you do it too long, you will go blind."

The son replied, "Dad, I'm over here!"

My dad died in 9/11.

He was the best pilot I ever knew.

If an Indian kid is conceived in incest, would that make them OMbred?

If I was any more inbred, I'd be a sandwich.

Mom tells her son to go to the other kid, to walk to the kid just standing still, to clap so the kid can hear and move out of the way of the car.

But her son was blind, the other kid had no legs so he couldn't walk, and the kid has no arms so he couldn't clap, and the kid died because he couldn't hear; he was deaf.

Why are orphans good at being a criminal?

Because they're not wanted.

My grandpa is a great hero. He's the one who shot Hitler.

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.

My mum said take out the trash, so I took my sister.

So little Susie came home and said, "Mom, little Johnny showed me his pecker."

And her mom said, "WHAT?!"

And little Susie was like, "Yeah, it reminded me of a peanut." Her mom said, "Oh, because it was so small?"

Susie said, "No, because it tasted salty."

Secretly, I’m a woman catfishing gay men on Grindr. When a notification from the app went off, my son told me, “I’ve heard that sound. Daddy has that game, too!”