Family jokes

How many orphans does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they don't even got a home.

Christmas special

Me: Can you describe Mrs. Claus in 3 words? Santa: Ho ho ho.

Yo mama so old the carpenter uses her crotch as sandpaper.

What do you call a cup with a handle?

A mug! HAHA ha... My parents just got a divorce :(

So, Little Johnny comes home from school knowing damn well he messed up his math test. His mother and father get home and he tells them, "Mom, I failed my math test." His mother aggressively says, "Get the belt!" Johnny says, "Why?" His mother says, "I'm gonna spank you for failing!" Johnny says, "So just like daddy?" His father turns red knowing what they did last night.

At the funeral of a family friend, I was chatting to June, an elderly lady I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I’d become.

On the journey home, I remarked to my mother how lovely it had been to see June again.

“Yes, it’s such a shame that she’s gone blind,” she said sadly.

To my best friend, my brother is like a spider. She chose to kill him straight away. That's why she is my friend, after all!

I want to die like my grandpa, with a blindfold and a wet sponge on his head.

My wife called me a pedo. That's a big word for a 6 year old.

What would an orphan priest call himself?

Father Les.

What's an orphan's favorite part of a website?

The homepage.

Joe mama so fat she went wearing high heels and came back in flip flops.

"I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."

Sister: You're adopted.

Me: At least they wanted me, they must feel terribly bad cuz they had to keep you :(

What do an orphan's parents have in common with Nemo? They all can't be found.

Why'd the orphan cross the road? He was told his parents were on the other side.

Why do orphans only have 363 days in a year?

Because they don't have Mother's and Father's day.

Why can't orphans play baseball?

They can't make a home run.

Why can't orphans go on game shows?

You need a family member.

Kid: "Mom, I had a scary dream. Can I come sleep with you and dad?"

Mom: "Sure, sweetie, sleep in the middle."

Kid: "Dad, can you get the remote out of my back?"

Dad: "That isn't the remote."

*Weird background music*