Family jokes

My mom told me yesterday that in this Valentine, we should take our love to new heights. So tomorrow I'm prepared to fuck her in "The Hot Seat" position.

My aunt visited and saw all of the stuff around the house my mom had kept over the years and said, "If you have something that no one likes, and it only makes people upset, or it's useless, throw it away."

The next time my aunt visited, she said, "Where is your daughter?"

My mom said, "I took your advice."

- Yo mama is so fat, when she wears a yellow dress, people yell "Taxi!"

- Yo mama is so stupid, she tried to climb Mountain Dew.

- Yo mama is so ugly, she made a blind kid cry.

- Yo mama is so old, she knew Burger King when he was still a prince.

- Yo mama is so poor, she can't even afford to pay attention.

How many orphans does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they don't even got a home.

What do you call a cup with a handle?

A mug! HAHA ha... My parents just got a divorce :(

Christmas special

Me: Can you describe Mrs. Claus in 3 words? Santa: Ho ho ho.

Yo mama so old the carpenter uses her crotch as sandpaper.

So, Little Johnny comes home from school knowing damn well he messed up his math test. His mother and father get home and he tells them, "Mom, I failed my math test." His mother aggressively says, "Get the belt!" Johnny says, "Why?" His mother says, "I'm gonna spank you for failing!" Johnny says, "So just like daddy?" His father turns red knowing what they did last night.

At the funeral of a family friend, I was chatting to June, an elderly lady I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I’d become.

On the journey home, I remarked to my mother how lovely it had been to see June again.

“Yes, it’s such a shame that she’s gone blind,” she said sadly.

To my best friend, my brother is like a spider. She chose to kill him straight away. That's why she is my friend, after all!

I want to die like my grandpa, with a blindfold and a wet sponge on his head.

A man sees a small boy begging for money. He walks up to him and asks him if he is an orphan.

The boy asks, "What gave me away?"

The man responds, "Your parents."

Why do orphans only have 363 days in a year?

Because they don't have Mother's and Father's day.

When my grandpa was 65, he decided to run a mile a day to keep fit.

He's 70 now, and we have no idea where he is.

Boy 1: "Sonic is a fictional character."

Boy 2: "Yeah, just like your dad."

Why can't orphans play baseball?

They can't make a home run.

Why don't orphans get offended by dark humor?

Because it can't hit home.

Kid: Mom! You lied to me!

Mom: When?

Kid: You told me that my little brother was an Angel!

Mom: Sooo?

Kid: Then why didn’t he fly when I threw him off the balcony?

Mom: WHAT!!!??!!

Pick up lines.

"One fish, two fish, three fish, I’m breaking up with you, b*tch!"

"Hey there little mister, I’m dating your sister."

Kid: "Mom, I had a scary dream. Can I come sleep with you and dad?"

Mom: "Sure, sweetie, sleep in the middle."

Kid: "Dad, can you get the remote out of my back?"

Dad: "That isn't the remote."

*Weird background music*