Family jokes

My teacher asked everyone how tall their grandparents were. I responded, "My grandpa is 5ft 10, and my grandma is -6ft."

My ex was an orphan as a child.

I should have taken that as the first sign.

If her parents didn't want her, why would I?

Q. What does Kenny get when he hugs his mom?

A. A boner.

Why does dark humor love orphans? Because the humor killed their parents.

Roses are red, violets are black, your mum's so fat she sold her son for 10 Big Macs.

Hey, what is the difference between a painting and a wife?

Only the wife was hung up.

If there is a divorce in West Virginia, are they still brother and sister?

I said to my pregnant wife, "Push, darling, come on, push harder, dear!" No, she wasn't giving birth; the bloody car would not start.

My mother didn't want me to love my sister. That made me angry. But then, one day I found this quote: "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." Since that day, I fuck my sister hard and my MOM harder!

My aunt visited and saw all of the stuff around the house my mom had kept over the years and said, "If you have something that no one likes, and it only makes people upset, or it's useless, throw it away."

The next time my aunt visited, she said, "Where is your daughter?"

My mom said, "I took your advice."

- Yo mama is so fat, when she wears a yellow dress, people yell "Taxi!"

- Yo mama is so stupid, she tried to climb Mountain Dew.

- Yo mama is so ugly, she made a blind kid cry.

- Yo mama is so old, she knew Burger King when he was still a prince.

- Yo mama is so poor, she can't even afford to pay attention.

Yo mama so old the carpenter uses her crotch as sandpaper.

How many orphans does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they don't even got a home.

Christmas special

Me: Can you describe Mrs. Claus in 3 words? Santa: Ho ho ho.

What do you call a cup with a handle?

A mug! HAHA ha... My parents just got a divorce :(

So, Little Johnny comes home from school knowing damn well he messed up his math test. His mother and father get home and he tells them, "Mom, I failed my math test." His mother aggressively says, "Get the belt!" Johnny says, "Why?" His mother says, "I'm gonna spank you for failing!" Johnny says, "So just like daddy?" His father turns red knowing what they did last night.

At the funeral of a family friend, I was chatting to June, an elderly lady I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I’d become.

On the journey home, I remarked to my mother how lovely it had been to see June again.

“Yes, it’s such a shame that she’s gone blind,” she said sadly.

To my best friend, my brother is like a spider. She chose to kill him straight away. That's why she is my friend, after all!

I want to die like my grandpa, with a blindfold and a wet sponge on his head.

My first time sex was like buying my first used, crappy car.

I didn't want it, but Dad gave it to me anyway.