Family jokes
When you have sex with a coworker but remember it's a family business.
At the funeral of a family friend, I was chatting to June, an elderly lady I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I’d become.
On the journey home, I remarked to my mother how lovely it had been to see June again.
“Yes, it’s such a shame that she’s gone blind,” she said sadly.
What’s the difference between an apple and an orphan?
The apple gets picked.
What's the difference between an orphan and an apple tree?
Apples get picked.
Today is sad. My sister got hit by a car, and I lost my license as a driver.
Why did the Orphan go to church?
To call someone father.
Why can’t you kidnap an orphan?
Because you can’t steal what was never wanted in the first place.
Two girls have a sleepover.
Karen: Let's go to bed.
Lauren: Fine, but it's early.
*Karen wakes up and exits room*
*Lauren hears noise*
Mikey: You're so much better than my girlfriend, Karen.
Lauren: *laughs*
Lauren: *remembers her boyfriend is Karen's brother, Mikey*
My brother caught Covid last month.
First I knew about it was when he speed-dialled me at 3am and gasped, "I can't breathe, I can't breathe!"
I just told him straight: "Bro... you really need to work on your George Floyd jokes."
One day Timmy walks in on his mum in the bath. Then he asks, “What’s that dark fuzzy thing, mummy?” and mum said, “It’s a bush, every girl has one!” Then the next day he walks in on his dad in the shower. So he asks, “Daddy, what’s that long thing?” The dad then says, “It’s a sexy boy” accidentally. Timmy asks his dad, “What does sexy mean?” And the dad says, “Your mother, of course,” making it seem like a child-friendly compliment. Then the next day at school Timmy wanted to compliment his teacher. He walks up to her and says, “You’re so so sexy!”
How do you know your sister is on her period? Your dad's c**k tastes like s**t!
Orphans always dip their Oreos in water, hoping their dad comes back with the milk.
Q. What does Kenny get when he hugs his mom?
A. A boner.
My ex was an orphan as a child.
I should have taken that as the first sign.
If her parents didn't want her, why would I?
Why does dark humor love orphans? Because the humor killed their parents.
Roses are red, violets are black, your mum's so fat she sold her son for 10 Big Macs.
My teacher asked everyone how tall their grandparents were. I responded, "My grandpa is 5ft 10, and my grandma is -6ft."
Hey, what is the difference between a painting and a wife?
Only the wife was hung up.
If there is a divorce in West Virginia, are they still brother and sister?
Why are orphans good at dodgeball?
They can dodge adoptions.