New Family Jokes - Page 267 - Worst Jokes Ever

I was trying to poison Santa, but he killed my dad and ate all the cookies! 😤

Why did my dad leave me? Because I was a disappointment.

A husband and a wife have four children. The oldest three are tall with blonde hair. The youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said, "Honey, can you be completely honest with me? Is our youngest son mine?" The wife says, "I swear to all that is holy, he is your son." Then the husband died and the wife muttered, "Thank god he didn't ask about the other three."

Your mother is such a slut, she should be in the NFL hall of fame for the greatest wide receiver!

I once heard my dad shout, "I'm going to be like Frozen and let it go!" Then I heard a gunshot.

What do you call a white girl that can run faster than her brothers?

The redneck virgin.

I would name my daughter Awesome so I can tell people that I'm fucking awesome.

A man is sitting in a chair. He is talking to the other friend about what they must cherish.

One says he cherishes his family, the other cherishes his parents, and a man comes in, points at the chair and says, “I CHAIRish my Chair” as he pulls up a chair.

How do you circumcise a redneck?

You kick his sister in the jaw.

What do you call an octopus dad?

An octodad.

"Gosh, it's raining cats and dogs," said Suzie, looking out of the kitchen window.

"I know," said her mother, "I've just stepped in a poodle!"

I was eating this girl out the other night, and I tasted horse semen, so I said to her, "Oh, that's how you died, grandma!"

Knock, knock. Who's there? Dave. Dave who? Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimer's has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.

Yo mama so ugly that when she was born, the doctor looked at her face, then at her butt and said, "Twins!"

There were three babies in a mom's stomach. One baby asks, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" The other baby answers, "A doctor. I want to help people. What about you?"

"I want to be an engineer. I want to make things. What about you?" he asks to the third baby.

"I want to be a hunter."

"Why?" the other babies ask.

"I want to kill the snake that spits on my face."