Everyone jokes

My sister reminds me of 911: one moan of "OMG" got everyone's attention.

Everyone else seems to have met my dad. I only have the mugshots.

Hello everyone, now a question to make it in there is no right or wrong answer, but who here has watched fireb0rn??

When I die I want to have a piece of paper near me giving a clue on how I died, like, "I want everyone to miss me except for this bullet," or, "You didn't hang with me but guess what did?"

Everyone always has a special person in their life someday, but I think yours got ran over by a bus.

Your entire family tree must be a cactus, because everyone in your family is such a prick.

Why is it everyone wants to rub a pregnant woman's stomach but never the man's balls where the baby actually came from and the real ones that deserve the congratulations?

A phone is like parents. Not everyone has one.

Why are orphans so famous for their jokes?

Because everyone says go big or go home!

When I cut vegetables for my famous stew, I don’t know why everyone in the nursing home is always looking at me.

A rich girl is flying on his helicopter when suddenly it crashes, killing everyone. What was the last thing that went through her head?

The helicopter blade!

Everyone says Kenny has an easy life.

I disagree. I hear his mom likes complicated sex positions.

What do a blonde and a doorknob have in common?

Everyone gets a turn ;)

Hitler walks into his meeting room, turns to his trusted staff, and says, “I want you to organize the execution of 10,000 Jews and one kitten.”

Everyone looks around the table and, after a long silence, Goering pipes up. “Mein Fuhrer, why do you want to kill a kitten?”

Hitler smiles and turns to the rest of the table. “You see, no one cares about the Jews.”

You got a black cat.

He was bad luck.

Everyone left you and you committed suicide.

What a CATastrophe!

Remember that you're unique, just like everyone else.

What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice? Nothing, he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.

(everyone on Titanic) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, the ship will sink!!!!

(person washing hands) I'm using the sink, wait your turn!!!!!

(all crew members laugh) Hahahhahahahahah.

When a woman removes polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye.

But when Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, everyone loses it...

When you know that everyone thinks you're a hoe.

WHEN Y'ALL ARE MY HOES!