Sometimes, I think back on all the mistakes I've ever made.
Then I realize, "My daughter isn't THAT bad..."
Ever tried Ethiopian food? No? Neither have they.
Remember kids if ur ever mad beat up an orphan what are they gonna do call their mom??
So, a blind guy is sitting on a park bench with his seeing eye dog right beside him. Suddenly, his seeing eye dog cocks his leg and pisses all over the blind guy's leg. So the blind guy gives the dog a treat.
A man taking a walk saw the entire thing and said to the blind man, "That is the most charitable thing I’ve ever seen, your dog deliberately pissed on you and here you are giving him a dog biscuit." The blind man says, "Oh it’s not what you think, I’m just trying to find his head so I can kick him in the ass."
Why is September 11th the best birthday ever? No one forgets it :)
I asked an emo girl, "Do you ever get jealous of your phone when it dies?"
I was in a haunted house today. Nothing scared me until I reached the last room, where I saw the scariest Halloween ghost I've ever seen. He took my pens and ghosted. I was told that I saw Pristiano Penaldo and I was lucky enough to see him because he performs once in a blue moon.
Q: When and where was the biggest BBQ ever?
A: Hiroshima, Japan 1946.
If you're ever bored, just rape an orphan! What are they gonna do, tell their parents?
A limbless man sat on the side of a lake every day. He had no hands or legs.
One day he was crying when a woman was walking by and saw that he was upset, so she asked if he was okay. He replied, "No."
The woman said, "Well, what's wrong?"
The limbless man said, "I've never been hugged by anyone ever."
So the woman, out of kindness, hugged the man. "Are you okay now?" she asked.
"No," the man replied. So again the woman asked him what was wrong. He answered, "I've never been kissed before."
The woman eagerly gave him a peck on the lips and asked, "Are you okay now?"
The man shook his head sadly. The woman asked him what was wrong for the third time. The man said, "I've never been fucked."
The woman looked at him, picks him up, throws him in the lake, and says, "Now you are!"
Jesus and his friend went fishing. They both cast their lines out, and both of them get a bite, but Jesus's friend misses and says, "Damn, I missed." Jesus said, "That's a bad sentence to say; if you say it 3 times, something bad will happen to you." They cast it out again, and both get a bite, and Jesus's friend misses again and says, "Damn, I missed." Jesus replied, "If you say that one more time, something bad will happen." They cast out again, and Jesus's friend's line snaps, and he says, "Damn, I missed." Jesus said, "That's the last time something bad will happen." The biggest thunderstorm ever seen appeared, and a lightning bolt struck Jesus, and a voice came from the clouds, "Damn, I missed."
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I've ever seen.
If you ever get mad, just hit an orphan.
What are they gonna do, tell their parents?
A woman walks onto the bus with her child. The driver says, "That's the ugliest child I have ever seen!" The woman sits down and tells her neighbor. The neighbor replies, "Go say something back. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you!"
Ever tried African food?
Neither have they.
Do you ever look at a person and think, "Just how many generations of inbreeding did it take to create you?"
"I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he'd ever read."
Ever wondered why my gay kids don't play basketball? Because they can't shoot the ball straight into the hoop.
(Best pick-up line ever). Your body is like 9/11. I wanna crash into your twin towers. 😏
Have you ever observed the depression cycle of a snail?
It's pretty much a downward spiral.
