Ever heard of the show naked and afraid? thats what i call hide and seek with my uncle.
roses are red violets are blue if you ever feel alone i’m always watching you
me: have you ever went sky diving friend:No me:Well don’t it sucks friend:Why me:They gave me a parachute and I lived
if you’re ever bored, punch an orphan. what are they gonna do? tell their parents?
I donated 100dollars to a blind children’s charity, to bad they won’t ever see a dime of it
When I die can someone play “Best Day Ever” during my funeral?
Have you ever tried eating a clock? It’s really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.
Friend #1: “Yo guys, what’s the most unfair game you’ve ever played? For me it’s Fortnite.”
Friend #2: “I’d have to say Monopoly.”
Me: “The most unfair game you say? Life, definitely. Like, no one wins, it’s a one-way game.”
Friend #2: “Uhh…that’s not exactly what he meant…”
Friend #1: calls the suicide hotline
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
People say that life is short I say… Life is the longest thing we ever do
If you ever feel depressed, drink some coffee.
Expresso Expresso, no more depresso!
Stephen hawkings is such a bad role model for our kids
He only ever looks one way when crossing the street
Someone asked me if I’ve ever tried to kill myself. I responded, “Absolutely. A few times actually. I’m just not very good at it.”
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day she said its the biggest thing i ever had in my hand i said no love your just pulling my leg
I wont ever Forget my dads last words: “OH GOD THE POLICE!!!”
Friend 1: What’s the most disappointing thing that ever happened to you? For me repeating a year. Friend 2: Failing an important test. And you?
Then there is me: My life.
Whats the laziest mountain
Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my husband has been so rude. He’s been pushing me around and talking behind my back.
Have you ever walked into Stephen Hawking’s house? No,he hasn’t either.
I don’t like making jokes about 9/11, my grandad died in it, he was the greatest pilot I ever knew