if you’re ever bored, punch an orphan. what are they gonna do? tell their parents?

I donated 100dollars to a blind children’s charity, to bad they won’t ever see a dime of it

Ever heard of the show naked and afraid? thats what i call hide and seek with my uncle.

Have you ever tried eating a clock? It’s really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.

me: have you ever went sky diving friend:No me:Well don’t it sucks friend:Why me:They gave me a parachute and I lived

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.

Friend #1: “Yo guys, what’s the most unfair game you’ve ever played? For me it’s Fortnite.”

Friend #2: “I’d have to say Monopoly.”

Me: “The most unfair game you say? Life, definitely. Like, no one wins, it’s a one-way game.”

Friend #2: “Uhh…that’s not exactly what he meant…”

Friend #1: calls the suicide hotline

Stephen hawkings is such a bad role model for our kids

He only ever looks one way when crossing the street

I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day she said its the biggest thing i ever had in my hand i said no love your just pulling my leg

When I die can someone play “Best Day Ever” during my funeral?

If you ever feel depressed, drink some coffee.

Expresso Expresso, no more depresso!

People say that life is short I say… Life is the longest thing we ever do

Whats the laziest mountain

Mount Ever-rest

Have you ever walked into Stephen Hawking’s house? No,he hasn’t either.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: 'Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Only one of Kenny’s girlfriends has ever said he’s good in bed. But she has to. She’s his mom.

Someone asked me if I’ve ever tried to kill myself. I responded, “Absolutely. A few times actually. I’m just not very good at it.”

Chuck Norris can pick an apple from an orange tree and make the best lemonade you’ve ever tasted.

Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my husband has been so rude. He’s been pushing me around and talking behind my back.

Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, “Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we’ve ever gotten to an accident site.”